The administration provided an update on their effort to resolve the COVID-19 pandemic. Scattered throughout a two-hour self-congratulatory and often-contradictory campaign speech were several potential facts. We did not get a transcript of the president’s speech, only an abbreviated summary. We have not fact-checked the entire document, which appears to be written in crayon, although it might be lipstick, making it somewhat difficult to read. This is our best shot:
“Our response to the hoax pandemic has been perfect–so perfect, it’s good. Good. Real good.
“In the past I’ve rated my leadership as a 10, but that obviously is too low, even on a scale of one to five. Let me explain some of the amazing things I’ve done. I removed all those pesky doctors and scientists from the pandemic task force. I also removed every inspector general I could find. All they did was slow down progress.
“Next, I put Vice President Pence in charge of the pandemic task force. I’ve heard good things about him, I’m not sure I ever met him, but people say good things about him. He has years of expertise for this type of problem.
“Next, I put Jared Kushner in charge. It might be the same task force, it might be a different one. It doesn’t matter. Jared has so much experience. Many years. He has more years experience than he’s been alive.
“I announced that I may create another task force. Is it the second, or is it the third. Who knows. More is better. I’d put Ivanka in charge, but I don’t want her to keep missing her guitar lessons.
“You know, she created over two thirds of the jobs in America. The other third were stolen by hoards of immigrants when they weren’t raping, murdering, or smuggling drugs. So if you ever had a job, it’s thanks to Ivanka. Besides, she’s hot. I mean, if I weren’t her father, mmm mmm. Gotta love Ivanka.
“Finally, I’ve managed to seize millions of dollars worth medical equipment and supplies that was being hoarded by hospitals. All they were doing is using things once, then throwing them away. Wasteful. Sad.
“In any case, my performance has been perfect and getting better.”