Trump’s New Normal

Today, President Donald “Stable Genius” Trump announced that he would designate ANTIFA, an organization whose stated purpose to oppose fascism, as a terrorist organization. This comes on the heels of his executive order on May 28th, aimed at controlling Twitter.

Given the problems of the coronavirus, massive unemployment, an economy in trouble, and riots in the streets, many might have missed his other recent moves:

  • Broccoli has been declared a controlled substance, making it illegal to serve broccoli in restaurants. Preparation of broccoli at home is now a crime in the the same category as running a home meth lab.
  • In order to support business impacted by the pandemic and ensure key industries will quickly return to profitability, every American is now required to buy and consume at least one fast-food cheeseburger, fries, and cola each week.
  • All books authored by George Orwell will be removed from libraries and bookstores because, “they give people bad ideas. Terrible. Terrible ideas. Really bad!”
  • Newspapers and other media are now limited to printing or distributing information on the following: sports news, comics, positive stock market reports, flattering pictures of President Trump, and cute cat pictures. The latter is a major concession since both the President and the First Lady hate cats.
  • An executive order is being prepared that will ensure that Donald J. Trump will retain full and exclusive authority to issue executive orders after he leaves office. Said authority will become a hereditary birthright for the Trump (Inc.) family.
  • All future church services will become mandatory in order to ensure that golf courses do not become overly crowded on Sunday mornings.
  • Both civil rights and common sense are hereby suspended.
  • President Trump is declaring Marshall Law, or at least will, once somebody arranges a photo op to present him a spiffy new badge that says “Marshall”

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