The Real Politicians of DC

The most blatantly false television broadcasts (besides Fox News) are reality shows. The Real Housewives of [fill in the blank] dress like June Cleaver, act like they’re in Behind the Green Door, and lie like the serpent in the Garden of Eden. However, they cannot hold a black, sulfurous candle to the politicians on the air this week.

Here are some guidelines:

  • If something exists that is inconvenient–something like, say, 183,000 dead Americans due to coronavirus–just speak of it in the past tense as if it no longer exists.
  • If a foreign government has kompromat on you that could be used for blackmail, just say that the really important thing is that the leader of that government says nice things about you.
  • Don’t worry if dozens of your inner circle are in jail, under indictment, or convicted of crimes–after all you can (and probably will) commute their sentences.*
  • When in doubt, build the whole nominating convention around your wife, children, in-laws, sycophants, a few toadies, and if possible, some interesting puppets. (Too bad the Muppets weren’t available–at least they are entertaining.)
  • If you are dead set against immigration, feature your wife, a one time nude (aka porn) model who was allowed into the US under a so-called “genius” visa (Huh?? Say what??). PLEASE remember to keep her parents and other relatives who came in via chain migration out of sight.

And, most importantly, even if you’ve run the national debt to monumental levels, driven unemployment through the roof, stripped people of healthcare, and have the Foreclosure King as your Secretary of the Treasury as millions are at risk for losing their homes, tell everybody:

Only I can fix it!

*DO NOT pardon colleagues, toadies, and sycophants. If you do, they could tell the truth without the legal concern of self incrimination.

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