Teddie (Cruz) and Me

Ted Cruz and I share many traits.

I was known for such crude behavior as urinating on the feet of those who disagreed with me (and much, much worse). I lived in a sewer (some claim it was a large piece of pottery–bull! One sniff would have set them straight). The least obnoxious of my habits was walking around in the daylight with a lighted lamp, “Looking for an honest man.” I never did find one, so I gave up.

Neither Ted nor I served in the military. I didn’t serve because: a) I was dead, and b) they would have had no interest in a flaming asshole such as me. Ted didn’t serve because he was another pampered, entitled rich kid who was working on becoming another old, white, rich male. He didn’t even have to play the flaming asshole card.

I have to admire Ted’s chutzpah. His father was an immigrant yet he hates immigrants. To further sweeten the picture, Ted was born in Canada. If his father had emigrated from any other country but Cuba, the paperwork wouldn’t have gone through, Dad wouldn’t yet be a citizen, and therefore, neither was Ted. Ah, the Fates.

Now, after avoiding military service, Ted has no respect for the US military. He thinks that the Russian military is better because their recruiting ads feature strong, virile, males (“Hello, Sailor!” Hey, Ted, maybe the donald can get uncle Vladimir fix you up on a date.)

But I still admire Ted. He embodies the key virtue of “When the going gets tough, the old, rich white guys go on vacation.”

Donny’s Farewell

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“Okay, everybody, listen up. We’ve got a lot to do and it all has to be done before noon on January 20th, so pay attention. First things first. Everybody needs to pick up a trump election recount pledge card and fill in the amount you will be donating. You can make the actual donation anytime before the 20th since it needs to be in cash, non-sequential bills, in a plain brown wrapper.”

“Excuse me,” one of the participants interjected, “All of the counts are done, certified, and accepted, so why a recount fund?”

“Mitch, you of all people should know that it was never going to be used for a recount. This is for future operations.”

“But what about the Republican Party?”

“Mitch, if you want to have a party, have at it. Just make sure that you donate until it hurts.

“Now, without further distractions, let’s continue. There will be four lines. The first, to my left and to your right is for pardons. Each requested pardon needs to be accompanied by a separate pledge card. Pardons can be extended for actual crimes in which a person has been adjudged guilty, for actions that may or may not be a crime, and for general “Get out of Jail Free” pardons.

“The next line is for commutations. If a criminal act is pardoned, you will no be longer protected by the Fifth Amendment against self incrimination and the individual is viewed as actually being a criminal–a pardoned criminal, but a criminal nevertheless. On the other hand, a commutation retains your fifth amendment rights, although you won’t be able to vote or own a firearm. Choose wisely.

“The third line is for last minute federal appointments. If you’re appointed an ambassador for 15 minutes, you’re still a bonafide ambassador. Want to be a lobbyist for the communications industry? Get appointed to the Federal Communications Commission for the remainder of the President’s term. Same goes for environmental protection, justice department, Food and Drug administration–you name it.

“The last line is for those of you seeking a Presidential Medal of Freedom. Yes, that’s right, you too can be honored by this prestigious medal and join such notable winners as Rush Limbaugh, Andy Griffith, Arnold Palmer, and, of course, Bill Cosby.

“There are Concierge desks set up in each of the corners of the hall. Ivanka is manning one, Jared Kirchner, another, as well as Don, Jr. and Eric. If you have a special request, please complete your pledge card first, then meet with one of the concierges. If you are seeking more than one consideration, merely have a separate pledge card for each request. According to the president’s accountants, all these contributions are tax deductible!

“You’ll never have an opportunity quite like this, so act now.”

Russia Who?

Trump's Press Conference With Putin Will Go Down in ...
“I love you, man! “

At the end of his monumental (read “disastrous”) presidency, trump once again deflects criticism of Russia.

When first elected and it was obvious that there had been foreign influence, with all signs pointing to Russia, trump said, “Maybe it was China. Who knows?”

After that, he kowtowed to Putin (and every other despotic dictator) at every opportunity.

There has been a massive cyberattack against the American government and American industry that has been ongoing for months. Once again, the intelligence experts suspect Russia. Once again, trump disagrees and blames China.

I don’t know about you, but it would scare the hell out of me to have an ex-ruler with access to any and all of the nation’s secrets–including weapons, who also had multi-million dollar loans coming due, a cash flow problem, and no ethics.

“Vlad, here’s the deal. You finance a trump tower in Moscow, slip me a little gift under the table and I’ll tell you all about [fill in the TOP SECRET subject here].” Of course, that’s assuming that the stable genius hasn’t already spilled the beans so that Putin would say nice things about him.

Be afraid. Be very, very afraid.

I’m not worried–I died millenia ago. On the other hand, you should worry.

Scorched Earth

In 1939, during the Second World War, the German-Soviet Nonaggression Pact–also known as the Molotov-Ribbentrop Pact–was signed. Stalin was wary. Hitler was lying. In 1941, Operation BARBAROSSA–the invasion of the Soviet Union by Germany began.

Hitler believed that Germany’s blitzkrieg tactic would make short work of the Soviets, and at first it looked like he was right,. However, the deeper the Germans moved into Soviet Territory, the slower the progress. Many people believe it was the Soviet winter that defeated the Germans as it had Napoleon’s Army. It worked against Germany, but there were other factors at play.

The Soviet’s needed time to build tanks and aircraft. If the German Army could be delayed, the Soviets could overwhelm them with numbers. To buy time, the Soviets destroyed their homes and fields as the German army approached. When the Germans advanced, they found that the food was gone, building materials were gone, anything useful was gone.

At Stalingrad, the Soviets employed all of their troops along with the equipment they had. As the Germans destroyed people and tanks, replacements quickly filled the void. The Germans were cut off. The Soviet tanks were inferior to Germany’s, but Soviet industry kept building them and the Soviet soldiers kept attacking. Eventually, the Germans ran out of ammunition, food, and fuel and this the winter made a huge difference. Many starved, others froze, and still the Soviets kept attacking.

What Germans survived surrendered at Stalingrad. Ninety-one thousand Germans were captured. Only 5,000 were returned. The scorched earth policy had bought the Soviet Union the time it needed to rearm and ultimately win.

I am watching your president. He is attempting to execute a scorched earth policy of his own. Unfortunately, there is no advantage to America or the American people. Instead, he is attempting to commit societal suicide–genocide on his own people.

I hope for your sake he fails at this as he has failed at so many other things.

Lies, Damn Lies, and . . .

President Trump says he's leaving hospital - One News Page ...

After injecting and/or ingesting bleach and Lysol, after downing a metric ton of Hydroxychloroquine, and after holding events at which the virus ran rampant, your president ended up in the hospital.

How surprising.

Now he’s decided to leave the hospital and return to the White House, undoubtedly against medical advice. This after doctor shopping, replacing a Rear Admiral (O-8) with a commander (O-5) as his physician. It’s not just rank–an admiral has about 30 years of experience, while a commander only has about 15 years. While they both may have comparable medical skills, the commander has roughly half the experience in dealing with difficult patients

In any case, your president will soon be loosed on the American people. hyped on steroids and experiencing the unknown side effects from experimental drugs. He’ll be, well, Trump on steroids.

I believe it is time to update Samuel Clemens (aka Mark Twain) saying. It now should be:

There are lies, damned lies, and statements from the White House.

Who Follows Trump?

Trump Calls For First Presidential Debate To Be Moved Up ...
I’m not presidential and I can’t even act like one on TV!

I’m a cynic–after all, I’m considered to be the founder of Cynical Philosophy–so what would you expect. However, cynicism is still a philosophical discipline, and like all the others, and seeks wisdom and truth.

After your presidential debacle debate, yesterday, I began to ponder an important question. What kind of person would follow Trump? What kind of person accepts routine lying, vengeance, and intimidation, etc.?

Then, inspiration hit! Eureka!

Thomas F. Wilson portrayed Biff Tannen, the antagonist in all three Back to the Future movies. According to Bob Gale, the writer, Biff Tannen was based on Donald Trump. This is especially obvious in the second one–the one in the future–in which Biff was immensely wealthy, owned a casino (and the entire town), and had no scruples.

Biff always had three sycophants following him around. They didn’t have purpose or even thoughts of their own–they just followed Biff and did whatever he said. (Although in the final one, they did abandon Tannen when he would be going to jail.)

Biff Tannen answers your burning Back To The Future ...

Those three followers explain Trump’s base better than anything else I’ve seen. Score one for the philosophical advantages of cynicism!

Decline and Fall of the USA

I watched the decline and fall of the Roman Empire, the various Chinese dynasties, The Huns, the British Empire, and dozens of other powerful nation-states. The decline of your United States is the fastest and most devastating yet.

  • Once a world leader, able to influence world affairs, you are now viewed as a pathetic joke.
  • Your Congress can get very little accomplished. Members prefer to make party-line speeches to the C-Span cameras rather than collaborate.
  • Your Senate is a rubber stamp that says, “Yes!” before the president has even asked the question.
  • The legislative vacuum has resulted in the courts becoming more powerful than ever was intended.
  • Your president views himself as an emperor, ruling by fiat. No one expects him to tell the truth. People fear his vengeance and many have suffered his Machiavellian wrath.

The day is coming when America, will be another historical has-been like Spain, Holland, and England—as people wonder, “Whatever happened to America?”

Presidential Quotations

Abraham Lincoln – “I am a firm believer in the people. If given the truth, they can be depended upon to meet any national crisis. The great point is to bring them the real facts.”

Franklin Delano Roosevelt – “The only thing we have to fear is fear itself.”

John Fitzgerald Kennedy – “And so, my fellow Americans: ask not what your country can do for you — ask what you can do for your country.

Lyndon Baines Johnson – “I shall not seek, and I will not accept, the nomination of my party for another term as your president.”

Richard M. Nixon – “I am not a crook.”

Donald M. trump – “I don’t take responsibility at all.”

The Real Politicians of DC

The most blatantly false television broadcasts (besides Fox News) are reality shows. The Real Housewives of [fill in the blank] dress like June Cleaver, act like they’re in Behind the Green Door, and lie like the serpent in the Garden of Eden. However, they cannot hold a black, sulfurous candle to the politicians on the air this week.

Here are some guidelines:

  • If something exists that is inconvenient–something like, say, 183,000 dead Americans due to coronavirus–just speak of it in the past tense as if it no longer exists.
  • If a foreign government has kompromat on you that could be used for blackmail, just say that the really important thing is that the leader of that government says nice things about you.
  • Don’t worry if dozens of your inner circle are in jail, under indictment, or convicted of crimes–after all you can (and probably will) commute their sentences.*
  • When in doubt, build the whole nominating convention around your wife, children, in-laws, sycophants, a few toadies, and if possible, some interesting puppets. (Too bad the Muppets weren’t available–at least they are entertaining.)
  • If you are dead set against immigration, feature your wife, a one time nude (aka porn) model who was allowed into the US under a so-called “genius” visa (Huh?? Say what??). PLEASE remember to keep her parents and other relatives who came in via chain migration out of sight.

And, most importantly, even if you’ve run the national debt to monumental levels, driven unemployment through the roof, stripped people of healthcare, and have the Foreclosure King as your Secretary of the Treasury as millions are at risk for losing their homes, tell everybody:

Only I can fix it!

*DO NOT pardon colleagues, toadies, and sycophants. If you do, they could tell the truth without the legal concern of self incrimination.

Bring Out Your Dead!

Ah, plagues! You may call them pandemics, but a disease that kills many people and leaves many others debilitated is a plague. Period.

holy grail bring out your dead - mighty python and the ...
Bring out your dead!

The depiction of plague deaths in your Monty Python and the Holy Grail is not too terribly far off. Your refrigerated semi trailers are the twenty-first equivalent of the medieval cadaver carts. Plagues are nasty, no matter what the nobles, politicians, or even dictators try to tell you.

However, there is an interesting wrinkle about plagues that effects society at large.

Throughout history, when plagues kill off many workers, the powerful promulgate edicts and other pronouncements from on high to insist that the workers return to their former work at the same dismal wages that they received before the plague. These demands are largely ignored. Why?

When everybody loses workers to the plague,. other business owners, also desperate for workers, offer higher wages. (“You were given a loaf of bread every week? I’ll give you access to an oven and a bag of flour every month! Come to work today and I’ll spot you two beers a week at the local pub!”)

Regardless of the edicts and proclamations; regardless of the threats, the workers go to where the opportunity is better. (For academics, this is Adam Smith’s so-called invisible hand.)

So, today, you are in a similar situation. Do you learn from the past or do you merely repeat the same old, same old, behavior, yet again. You face a significant risk–or maybe a significant opportunity.

I’ll check back in later to see how you’re doing.