Based on President Trump’s demand that he does not need to answer any subpoenas until certain conditions–such as a vote of the entire House of Representatives–are met, may I present this scenario:
Judge: “Mr. Johnson, do you have an attorney?”
Johnson: (tweeting) I don’t need an attorney. I will represent myself.
Bailiff: confiscates cell phone.
Judge: “If we may continue, Mr. Johnson you are charged with . . . .”
Johnson: “This is a political fiasco and I won’t provide any information until the entire police department votes unanimously to charge me!”
Judge: “Mr. Johnson, with all due respect to Fox News (if any is, in fact, due) the accused is not the one who gets to set terms. The rules are already in place and you are expected to comply with them.”
Johnson: “This is a witch hunt! TERRIBLE! I’m being harassed! It’s all based on fake news! SAD!”
Judge: “Bailiff, given that Mr. Johnson is not President of the United States, would you please take Mr. Johnson into custody until he either is represented by an attorney or is prepared to present an appropriate legal defense.”
Bailiff: Half guides and half carries Johnson out. Johnson is still screaming.
Johnson: “I demand my phone! It’s my constitutional right to tweet! This is a travesty! (sound of his voice fades out)
Judge: Puts head in hands, brushes her hair back, and takes a deep breath. “Bailiff, to save me from calling a recess, do you have any acetaminophen?”
Bailiff: “Yes, your honor. Every day, your honor.” Passes a bottle of generic acetaminophen to the judge, who shakes two into her hand and with her bottle of water, swallows them.
Judge: Handing the bottle back to the bailiff, “Thank you. Please remind me to buy a large economy size bottle to keep here on my bench.”
Judge: Sighs. “Okay, let’s move on to the next case.”
Bailiff: “Your honor, the next defendant is represented by Rudy Giuliani.”