Mueller Report

Being several thousand years old (I forget my exact birthday) I can sometimes have difficulty telling the difference between true reporting and satire. Therefore, without deciding which this is, I share it with you.

New Attorney General William Barr is at risk of losing three stars and being demoted to Attorney Brigadier General after a flurry of lawsuits have been filed in response to his handling of the Mueller Report. While there were protests over Barr’s four page synopsis to a document that is reported to contain over 400 pages, no one foresaw recent developments.

Readers’ Digest filed suit against Barr for copying, without permission, their popular Condensed Books style that was first published in the early 1950s. Many people used Readers’ Digest Condensed Books to experience popular literature without the need to spend inordinate amounts of time actually reading. No sooner had the Justice Department been served with a cease and desist order (and President Trump had tweeted, “Totally exonerated! No confefe! WHICH HAUNT!”) than the second of three shoes dropped.

Cliff’s Notes, a popular study guide, that has been published in the United States since the late 1950s argued that the truncation and radical editing performed by Barr was more like their system than Readers’ Digest’s. “Every student,” they protested at a frantically scheduled press conference, “knows that they can turn to Cliff’s Notes as a concise, terse, minimalist synopsis of traditionally assigned readings.” When asked if Donald Trump ever used their product, the press conference was abruptly halted.

An industry insider anonymously provided additional information . “With Readers’ Digest Condensed Books, it is still necessary for the customer to read dozens—if not hundreds–of actual printed pages. Cliff’s Notes, on the other hand presents lengthy classics in a format that can be read–cover to  during a single visit to the bathroom!”

In the meantime, the same industry source tells us that Classics Illustrated is in negotiations with the US Government Printing Office to reproduce the Barr version of the Mueller Report in four-color comic book format. Classics Illustrated hasn’t published in years, but is prepared to print this special edition because it appeals to those who prefer to never read real books.

Neither Cliff’s Notes nor Classics Illustrated would provide specifics as to the length of their proposed publications, except to say that they would be “more than four pages, but less than 400.”

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Politics Explained

I swear, I never get any peace and quiet. It had been a long day, walking through town with my lamp lit, telling anyone foolish enough to ask why that, “I’m searching for an honest man.” What a load of rubbish–but they continue to buy it.

Eventually, I made my way home to my sewer, crawled in, tuned out the cockroaches and rats, and closed my eyes. Immediately, some ignoramus (assuming that he was in fact, ignorant, rather than stupid) shook me and demanded an answer to his question.

“What is politics?” he asked.

I stared at him with the best malevolent look I could muster. He was undeterred. When I realized that my scowl would not get rid of him, I figured that the next best way was to give him some cryptic answer. Perhaps then he’d leave.

“Do you believe politics is more like chess or poker?” I asked him. He stammered and admitted that he did not know.

“It’s like both,” I told him. “It’s a long range game, but a long range game in which bluffing and cheating are not only allowed, but encouraged.”

He looked more puzzled as he walked away than he had when he had approached.

He’ll never understand politics.

I understand politics, so I went back to sleep.

LATEST FAKE GNUS!!!!

In a surprise move today, the United States Supreme Court issued a ruling with wide-reaching impact on the future selection of America’s leaders.

A number of issues have challenged the judicial system all the way to the nation’s highest court. These have included the ongoing allegation of voter fraud, disenfranchisement of minority groups, and Gerrymandering–all to ensure the continual reelection of incumbents.

The role of the Electoral College raises concerns, especially when the winner of the popular vote is repeatedly not the candidate who is elected. There are the credible—and frequent—charges that foreign governments interfere with US elections.

The Court ruled that selection for high office—cabinet members, ambassadors, the President and the Vice President—will from this point on be determined by polls, rather than elections. Chief Justice John G. Roberts, Jr., stated that it was his pleasure to present the courts judgement with a ruling and an opinion that were both unanimous, with no hint of dissent.

Our decision is based on the Fourteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution. We have determined that equal protection under the law is impossible when each of the individual states determines voting processes and procedures independently, delegating some of said authority to subordinate organizations, including counties, parishes, and political parties.

We anticipate that intelligent citizens have questions, which we will attempt to answer:

“Should this matter not be resolved by Congress?” The US Congress has shown the inability to address legal issues more complex than renaming post offices. Its failure to act in any meaningful manner since 1941 has demonstrated the de facto and ultimately the du jour abdication of Congressional authority. Given that members of Congress exercise neither authority nor accept responsibility, they will continue to be elected.

“What about the President? Doesn’t he have a voice?” The court acknowledges that the President does indeed have a voice, as well as a Twitter account, a Press Secretary, a Communications Director, and Fox News.

 “Then why not let the President address this issue by Executive Order?” Based on previous Executive Orders exceeding Constitutional authority, the Court deemed that this was inappropriate.

 “What about the Vice-President?” The powers of the Vice President cannot exceed those of a sitting President.

“Then why does the Judiciary have the authority to make this ruling?” The precedent has been well established that the other branches of government routinely defer decisions, particularly difficult decisions, to the Judiciary. The Court is merely adhering to said precedent.

Corruption

Over the millennia, I’ve seen kingdoms and nations rise and fall. Some nations are created by Divine edict, by military conquest, by discovery, or even the will of the people. However, most tend to die by the same method.

They rot from within.

The wars you’ve seen recently–Afghanistan, Iraq, Vietnam–were all failed or failing states. They either were already corrupt, or ripe for corruption. That’s not only how nations fall, it’s why nations fall.

Through corrupt means, the elites enrich themselves at the expense of the general populace. As the gap widens between the haves and the have-nots, the people become divided. The division may be political, religious, or philosophical, but most often it’s economic. The wider the gap between the wealthy and the rest of the population, the more likely it will devolve into destruction.

Hitler came to power because the German people were economically desperate due to reparations from the First World War. Hitler was an outsider–a non-elite–who was viewed as a possible savior. Lenin was also an outsider viewed as the solution to Russia’s problems. The Nazis and the Communists each set conditions for a division within their country.

Who will be next? There are a number of likely candidates. What’s your guess?

 

Us, Them, and Me

“I” am powerful. “We” are dangerous.

If someone has an agenda, such as a politician or an actor, the worst way to build a following would be to sit  down, one-on-one with another individual and lay out the idea in a logical format. Why? The listener would examine the proposal, critically evaluate its merits and reach a logical conclusion as to its intellectual merit.

On the other hand, if the proponent presents the idea to a group–the larger the better–inevitably there will be some who agree with it. When these people express their support through cheers or chants, more will pick up the emotion and join in. Eventually, few will be silent.

Unfortunately, one of the easiest emotions to stir up in people is irrational hate.

The same people who had welcomed Jesus to Jerusalem, turned up at his illegal overnight kangaroo court with cries of “Crucify Him!”

In America, there has often been the idea, spoken loudly, that, “The only good [Insert group here] is a dead [and here].”

My advice to you is “Never let go of yourself. The individual is better equipped to make decisions than any group.”

In George Orwell’s novel 1984 he spoke of “groupthink,” in which all, or at least most, of the members of a group accept an idea because the group does, not because they have made a conscious and deliberate decision that it is what they believe. There is another term for this–mob mentality.

Perhaps the idea is best expressed in the movie Men in Black: 

Kay: A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky dangerous animals and you know it. Everything they’ve ever “known” has been proven to be wrong. A thousand years ago everybody knew as a fact, that the earth was the center of the universe. Five hundred years ago, everybody knew that the Earth was flat, and fifteen minutes ago, you knew that humans were alone on it. Imagine what you’ll know tomorrow.

How Dare He!

Andrew McCabe was once a member of the White House Theatrical Troupe–so called because at any given moment many top officials work in an “acting” capacity. McCabe was acting Director of the FBI (and, I might add, never nominated for an Oscar, an Emmy, or even a Tony).

Unfortunately, McCabe neglected to learn the rules. According to the rules, 96.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot. In most cases they are unnecessary because “people tell me” or “I’ve heard” is sufficient to substantiate a statement.  The rules further state that facts are, fluid, dynamic and always changing. And most importantly, anything with which you disagree is “fake news.”

McCabe, instead, looked to, of all places, the United States Constitution for guidance. In this case, he questioned whether the 25th Amendment should be considered. Using the Constitution is really hitting below the belt. It’s a good thing he got fired before he could invoke any other sections or amendments to the Constitution.

Who does he think he is, anyway–James Madison?

 

Seen It All Before

In the last few millennia, I have to admit, I’ve seen a few things that weren’t funny, true, or worthwhile the first time around, but keep repeating:

– Emperors or other leaders making promises they will never keep.
– People being surprised by such broken promises.
– Sycophants who line up to serve the current emperor;
the same sycophants who served the previous emperor, who had a totally different
set of values;
and who will line up before the next emperor, regardless of his values.
– Emperors and their advisors who sit in their towers to determine what is best for
others, without ever consulting with them, and having never experienced their lifestyles or challenges.

It falls upon philosophers and teachers to attempt to warn of such issues; the issues that damage societies and eventually destroy them. Such was the fate of Greece, Rome, the monarchies of Europe, and the explorer nations.

Unfortunately, over the same millennia, none of the rich, the powerful, or the elite have paid the tiniest bit of attention to any of our warnings. I am not surprised, but my greatest desire is that some day I will be–at least once.