The Devil You Know

One of the curious sayings that you have is “Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t.” As I recall, in your culture, the devil is the personification of evil, so why would you choose ANY devil?

Over the millennia, I’ve seen the devil at work. He looks nothing like your artistic representations since he’s actually quite attractive–his name Lucifer means “light bearer,” you know. He’s also intelligent, charming, and very, very sly. That’s how he manages to suck so many people into doing his bidding without even realizing they are. Don’t believe me? Look at the Germans during World War II that turned a blind eye toward the Holocaust. Look at the people today who deny that the Holocaust ever existed.

The devil has many tools–money, flattery, and empathy. The last is particularly effective–“You’re a good person. This thing you want to do isn’t really bad because you’re doing it for a good reason. Go ahead.” You probably saw how effective these were in convincing thousands to attack the US Capitol on January 6th.

If you want to see more of the devil in action, just check out the Conservative Political Action Conference this weekend. He’s in fine form.

Donny’s Farewell

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“Okay, everybody, listen up. We’ve got a lot to do and it all has to be done before noon on January 20th, so pay attention. First things first. Everybody needs to pick up a trump election recount pledge card and fill in the amount you will be donating. You can make the actual donation anytime before the 20th since it needs to be in cash, non-sequential bills, in a plain brown wrapper.”

“Excuse me,” one of the participants interjected, “All of the counts are done, certified, and accepted, so why a recount fund?”

“Mitch, you of all people should know that it was never going to be used for a recount. This is for future operations.”

“But what about the Republican Party?”

“Mitch, if you want to have a party, have at it. Just make sure that you donate until it hurts.

“Now, without further distractions, let’s continue. There will be four lines. The first, to my left and to your right is for pardons. Each requested pardon needs to be accompanied by a separate pledge card. Pardons can be extended for actual crimes in which a person has been adjudged guilty, for actions that may or may not be a crime, and for general “Get out of Jail Free” pardons.

“The next line is for commutations. If a criminal act is pardoned, you will no be longer protected by the Fifth Amendment against self incrimination and the individual is viewed as actually being a criminal–a pardoned criminal, but a criminal nevertheless. On the other hand, a commutation retains your fifth amendment rights, although you won’t be able to vote or own a firearm. Choose wisely.

“The third line is for last minute federal appointments. If you’re appointed an ambassador for 15 minutes, you’re still a bonafide ambassador. Want to be a lobbyist for the communications industry? Get appointed to the Federal Communications Commission for the remainder of the President’s term. Same goes for environmental protection, justice department, Food and Drug administration–you name it.

“The last line is for those of you seeking a Presidential Medal of Freedom. Yes, that’s right, you too can be honored by this prestigious medal and join such notable winners as Rush Limbaugh, Andy Griffith, Arnold Palmer, and, of course, Bill Cosby.

“There are Concierge desks set up in each of the corners of the hall. Ivanka is manning one, Jared Kirchner, another, as well as Don, Jr. and Eric. If you have a special request, please complete your pledge card first, then meet with one of the concierges. If you are seeking more than one consideration, merely have a separate pledge card for each request. According to the president’s accountants, all these contributions are tax deductible!

“You’ll never have an opportunity quite like this, so act now.”

You Goya Ivanka!

Ivanka Trump backs Goya on Twitter after liberals call for ...

Ivanka Trump recently told unemployed Americans to “find something new.” This simplistic response to a complex problem was met with astonishment and compared to Marie Antoinette’s alleged advice to “Let them eat cake.” The biggest difference is that Antoinette probably did NOT make the cake comment. Ivanka, on the other hand, actually did tell Americans to “find something new.”

Anxious to top her previous comment, Ivanka–the Special Assistant to the President for Boneheaded Advice–raised the ante. Goya’s president had angered many of its customers by calling Donald Trump “a blessing,” so Ivanka started promoting Goya. Does anyone believe that Ivanka has ever–as in not even once in her life–opened a can of Goya beans?

Since all Trumps are shielded from laws, regulations, and anything else they find inconvenient, Ivanka’s Goya promotion is a clear federal ethics violation is immaterial. After all, White House plastic surgery poster girl Kellyann Conway, violated the same ethics rules when she shilled Ivanka’s clothing brand. When the administration was confronted with Kellyann’s behavior, the only response was silence, interrupted only by the sound of crickets chirping.

The president is rumored to have told his staff that it’s no big deal and both issues could easily be corrected with the stroke of a SHARPIE.

P.S. Given Donald Trumps bromance with Russian leader-for-life Vladimir Putin, does anyone else find it unsettling that “Ivanka” is the feminine version of “Ivan,” one of, if not the most, popular first name in Russia?

Trump Campaign-What a Show!

Personally, I’m excited about Donald Trump’s re-election campaign. It looks to be more entertaining political intrigue than watching the Borgias or the Medicis during their prime. Why?

Because the campaign is being run by this guy.

Jared Kushner registered to vote as a female

Jared Kuschner, who’s qualifications include marrying the Trump daughter for which Trump seems to have an unnatural affection. That’s it. Nothing else to add to his bona fides. However, his experience speaks for itself.

Jared was in charge of solving the opioid crisis, which wasn’t exactly solved. In 2019 there were 46,802 deaths due to opioids. Ooops!

Jared single-handedly managed the Middle East peace process without absolutely any tangible results.

He was responsible for improving relations with China. Not exactly a home run, but in fairness, they did share COVID-19 with the rest of the world.

Speaking of which, there was Jared’s wonderful handling of the response to the pandemic, which had a record 51,097 new cases yesterday. However, he set us all straight when he explained that the national stockpile of emergency supplies is “our” meaning “his” stockpile and not for use by the states, much less the people of the United States of America.

I can’t wait to see the campaign unfold. This has the potential to challenge the Marx Brothers for absolute knee-slapping comedy.

Diogenes’s Sewer

Please help me out here. Your current president values statues over lives? He’s trying to make damage to a statue in the capital region a crime–retroactively?. I thought your system did not allow something to be declared illegal after the fact. Oh, well, I never claimed to be an expert on your laws–or anybody’s laws, for that matter.

After all, if you kill off a dozen or a hundred people or even a thousand people, it’s easy to make replacements. On the other hand, it costs a lot to recreate, repair, or repair a single statue.

I really shouldn’t be surprised. Your president would rather have people die quietly so that they do not make him look bad by adding to the coronavirus statistics. In fact, if–as he wishes–testing is significantly limited, it should be almost impossible to claim that any deaths are due to the coronavirus.

As you know, I live in a sewer. Some call it a large pot, but large pots are used for–you know. Such large pots are not used to cook spaghetti. Get the picture?

So, whenever this is all over and your current president is no longer in a position of authority, please–PLEASE–do not suggest to him that he would be welcome to join me. My sewer is mine, and only I will determine which humans can stay here.

The rats and the other vermin with whom I share my sewer make their own rules and I am not responsible for whom they invite.

A Republic If You Can Keep It

After the Constitutional Convention in 1787, Mrs. Powel of Philadelphia asked Benjamin Franklin, “Well, Doctor, what have we got, a republic or a monarchy?” With no hesitation whatsoever, Franklin responded, “A republic, if you can keep it.”

A democratic republic is sometimes described as an experiment. It runs counter to humanity’s inability to restrain ambitious and unscrupulous people from accumulating power and wealth. Greed is powerful–certainly more attractive than putting the good of society ahead of one’s own best interest.

Your country is at the point at which it needs to decide whether it wants to keep a republic.

May I offer this advice. Power tends to dissipate with death. Even hereditary monarchies are prone to being disrupted, whether by conquest, arranged marriages, or revolution. Wealth is often dissipated after only a few generations. On the other hand, doing something for the betterment of others lives on.

Hail Zuckerberg!

In an interview today in his 6,000 square foot penthouse suite atop a Trump Hotel, Mark Zuckerburg explained himself.

“Facebook will not be the arbiter of truth!” he proclaimed. “Whether it is people denying the holocaust, people proclaiming the earth to be flat, or a president proclaiming ridiculous conspiracy theories, we will not interfere! After all, on the eighth day, God saw click bait and proclaimed that it was good.

“Why do I not intervene? I am not intellectually capable of separating truth from wild-ass-crazy fiction.

“None of my employees are willing to do anything that overshadows me or inhibits my role as a money-grubbing ass-kissing sycophant! Besides, if my internet sites make a profit, why should I care if they result in death or destruction?

“When I die I will be fantastically rich, even if I have been and will forever be morally bankrupt!”

We hesitated to, but finally asked him, “You do know that you can’t take fame and fortune with you when you die?”

“Ha!” he replied. “I’m spending millions to ensure that I never die! Even if I do, my minions will figure out a way for me to take everything with me!”

One of the press corps started to ask him why he believes he’s immortal, but thought better of it. Instead, we all left and went for coffee.

It’s Not So Bad

As I watch the tug-of-war between your economy and your health, I thought I could offer some helpful advise. Many of you are worrying that the attempts to return to normal when things aren’t normal might not work out so well. Not to worry.

Having been an observer for several millennia, I can tell you how the story will unfold. Money always wins. People are born and people die, but money keeps on going.

In your case, what will be interesting will be after the resurgence, how will the demographics shift. Will it be the No Mask crowd? Will it be those who live in population centers where they have quality medical facilities? Will it be those in rural areas–more spread out, but less medical capability and capacity? Who lives? Who dies? Who knows!

I promised helpful advice, so here goes. Death isn’t so bad once you get used to it. It’s the getting used to it part that takes time. In my case, it took roughly 2400 years, but today I’m better than before.