Talking Bird

One of the houses near the sewer in which I live has some type of talking bird. I don’t know if it’s a mynah, a crow, or some breed of parrot. In any case, it’s driving me crazy. Over and over it says the same thing:

“Rounding the turn!”

“Rounding the turn!”

“Rounding the turn!”

That’s one reason why I like dogs best — they don’t talk.

Republican National Cofefe

The chairman du jour (CDJ) of the Republican National Party, who responded anonymously to my questions, shared the following.

First, the 2020 Republican National Convention will exclude the media. CDJ disclosed that this is the result of the media being on double-secret-probation since midway through Richard Nixon’s first term as president.

Second, attendance will be by invitation only. So far, the invitees who will attend include Mitch McConnell (a tentative acceptance), Lindsey “Cracker” Graham, and Ohio Representative Jim Jordan. Jordan reacted explosively with ten minutes of pejoratives and curses when he received his invitation. When he finally stopped to take a breath, one of his staff member explained, “Jim, you wanted to be invited.”

“I did?” responded Jordan. “I’m still not going to wear a suit coat or button my shirt collar.”

Donald trump has his front line physicians lined up to attend, bringing various demons and aliens to explain the benefits of tossing back a shot glass of hydroxychloroquine followed by a Clorox chaser.

As the convention moved from North Carolina, to Florida, (and briefly to Mar a Leggo), highly placed sources compared the convention to a floating crap game or a 1920’s speakeasy. “If you ain’t already endorsed the trumpster, ya ain’t gonna find it.”

Over the last 2 1/2 millennia, I haven’t enjoyed politics this much since Caligula became emperor.

John Adams’ Advice

In the musical 1776, one of the first offerings is John Adams bemoaning the lack of progress toward independency:

I do believe you’ve laid a curse on North America
A curse that we now here rehearse in Philadelphia
A second flood, a simple famine
Plagues of locusts everywhere
Or a cataclysmic earthquake
I’d accept with some despair
But, no, you sent us Congress.
Good God, sir, was that fair?

Sometimes it’s hard to improve on the classics.

You Goya Ivanka!

Ivanka Trump backs Goya on Twitter after liberals call for ...

Ivanka Trump recently told unemployed Americans to “find something new.” This simplistic response to a complex problem was met with astonishment and compared to Marie Antoinette’s alleged advice to “Let them eat cake.” The biggest difference is that Antoinette probably did NOT make the cake comment. Ivanka, on the other hand, actually did tell Americans to “find something new.”

Anxious to top her previous comment, Ivanka–the Special Assistant to the President for Boneheaded Advice–raised the ante. Goya’s president had angered many of its customers by calling Donald Trump “a blessing,” so Ivanka started promoting Goya. Does anyone believe that Ivanka has ever–as in not even once in her life–opened a can of Goya beans?

Since all Trumps are shielded from laws, regulations, and anything else they find inconvenient, Ivanka’s Goya promotion is a clear federal ethics violation is immaterial. After all, White House plastic surgery poster girl Kellyann Conway, violated the same ethics rules when she shilled Ivanka’s clothing brand. When the administration was confronted with Kellyann’s behavior, the only response was silence, interrupted only by the sound of crickets chirping.

The president is rumored to have told his staff that it’s no big deal and both issues could easily be corrected with the stroke of a SHARPIE.

P.S. Given Donald Trumps bromance with Russian leader-for-life Vladimir Putin, does anyone else find it unsettling that “Ivanka” is the feminine version of “Ivan,” one of, if not the most, popular first name in Russia?

Winning Is Based on Perspective

With the Coronavirus exceeding expectations–and fears–the view from Washington, DC is different from what most people see. Trump keeps telling everyone that things are great and that the only reason that the number of cases is so high is because of testing and testing should slow down. I propose a different approach.

If nature hands you a lemon–make margaritas. Increase testing. Capture every case. Roll up the numbers.

Washington could use the 3,524,895 cases and 138, 936 deaths to claim that “We’re Number One!”

Number One? We’re winning!

Open the schools and we just might declare a trifecta!

Politik Talk

September 23, 1952: Richard Nixon Makes the ‘Checkers ...
Richard Nixon’s Nationally Televised Checkers Speech

I love how politicians (don’t) answer questions. Instead of answering the question they are asked, they answer a different question–not the one asked, but one that lets them say what they want to say.

I call it “Nixoning.” In 1952, while running for Vice President with Dwight D. Eisenhower, Nixon was asked about a $16,000 fund that was irregular, if not illegal. Nixon went on national television to contest the challenge. He stated that there was one gift he’d never return–a black and white dog named Checkers.

No one asked about Checkers. Nixon answered the question he wanted to answer–and who would want his children to lose their dog? (Maybe he should have claimed that the dog ate the $16,000.)

Today, reporters ask politicians about serious issues and get amazing answers. In the spirit of “In for a penny, in for a pound” I suggest that politicians take it just one teeny-tiny step further. For them it should be quite easy.

Reporter: How should the US respond to the objections to, and often destruction of, monuments of slaveholders?
Politician: I think it’s sad, in fact tragic, that today’s youth are not growing up respecting the heroes we idolized when we were little. For example, almost no grade, middle, or high school student today has any appreciation for Mighty Mouse. It’s sad. It’s an outrage.

Reporter: With more than 132,000 deaths in the US, is the response to the coronavirus pandemic being properly managed?
Politician: I’d like to answer that in two ways, first with my normal voice and then with an irritating high-pitched squeaky voice.* Let me just say that it is impossible to manage any disease. We pass laws, yet those nasty little germs do whatever they want. Why? Because they’re so tiny it’s difficult to catch them, much less get them in front of a judge!

As the old joke asketh: “How can you tell when a politician is lying?”

And answereth with: “Their lips are moving.”

* With apologies to Graham Chapman and all the members of Monty Python.

Trump Campaign-What a Show!

Personally, I’m excited about Donald Trump’s re-election campaign. It looks to be more entertaining political intrigue than watching the Borgias or the Medicis during their prime. Why?

Because the campaign is being run by this guy.

Jared Kushner registered to vote as a female

Jared Kuschner, who’s qualifications include marrying the Trump daughter for which Trump seems to have an unnatural affection. That’s it. Nothing else to add to his bona fides. However, his experience speaks for itself.

Jared was in charge of solving the opioid crisis, which wasn’t exactly solved. In 2019 there were 46,802 deaths due to opioids. Ooops!

Jared single-handedly managed the Middle East peace process without absolutely any tangible results.

He was responsible for improving relations with China. Not exactly a home run, but in fairness, they did share COVID-19 with the rest of the world.

Speaking of which, there was Jared’s wonderful handling of the response to the pandemic, which had a record 51,097 new cases yesterday. However, he set us all straight when he explained that the national stockpile of emergency supplies is “our” meaning “his” stockpile and not for use by the states, much less the people of the United States of America.

I can’t wait to see the campaign unfold. This has the potential to challenge the Marx Brothers for absolute knee-slapping comedy.

Trump’s New Normal

Today, President Donald “Stable Genius” Trump announced that he would designate ANTIFA, an organization whose stated purpose to oppose fascism, as a terrorist organization. This comes on the heels of his executive order on May 28th, aimed at controlling Twitter.

Given the problems of the coronavirus, massive unemployment, an economy in trouble, and riots in the streets, many might have missed his other recent moves:

  • Broccoli has been declared a controlled substance, making it illegal to serve broccoli in restaurants. Preparation of broccoli at home is now a crime in the the same category as running a home meth lab.
  • In order to support business impacted by the pandemic and ensure key industries will quickly return to profitability, every American is now required to buy and consume at least one fast-food cheeseburger, fries, and cola each week.
  • All books authored by George Orwell will be removed from libraries and bookstores because, “they give people bad ideas. Terrible. Terrible ideas. Really bad!”
  • Newspapers and other media are now limited to printing or distributing information on the following: sports news, comics, positive stock market reports, flattering pictures of President Trump, and cute cat pictures. The latter is a major concession since both the President and the First Lady hate cats.
  • An executive order is being prepared that will ensure that Donald J. Trump will retain full and exclusive authority to issue executive orders after he leaves office. Said authority will become a hereditary birthright for the Trump (Inc.) family.
  • All future church services will become mandatory in order to ensure that golf courses do not become overly crowded on Sunday mornings.
  • Both civil rights and common sense are hereby suspended.
  • President Trump is declaring Marshall Law, or at least will, once somebody arranges a photo op to present him a spiffy new badge that says “Marshall”

Abe, He Hardly Knew Ye

Trump Says US Press Treats Him Worse than Lincoln | Voice ...

Comments before and during the Fox interview that never happened.

Fox News: Mr. President, do you prefer that we toss softball questions, wiffleball questions, or marshmallow questions at you?

Trump: The press always asks me nasty questions, mean questions. I don’t want any nasty questions.

Fox News: So marshmallow questions it is. You’ve said that the press treats you worse than they treated President Abraham Lincoln, would you care to expound on that.

Trump: Expound? I haven’t gained a single pound. It’s the bulletproof vest, trousers, and suit coat. I golf to keep myself in shape.

Fox News: Yes, Mr. President. We’re sitting in the Lincoln Memorial. That must have some special meaning to you.

Trump: Lincoln? The press treats me much worse than they treated Lincoln. Lincoln was president before Obama, wasn’t he? Ten-fifteen years before Obama? Obama screwed everything up. Lincoln might have put him up to it, you know.

Fox News: Yes, sir. I’m young so his presidency was before my time as a hard charging Fox News reporter. So, tell me, Mr. President, what do you think of Lincoln?

Trump: I hear he was good. People say he is a Republican. I don’t remember him–I may have met him once or twice–but I don’t recall. If he is a Republican, that’s–well, good. Good. Very good. I like loyal Republicans. Maybe I should have Jared contact him.

Fox News: Mr. President, Abraham Lincoln is dead.

Trump: He’s dead? Sad. Very sad.

Maybe we should build a monument to him. Something with a huge wall. I’ll have Ivanka look into that.

Fox News Really Doesn't Want To Talk About The Good Jobs ...

It’ll Never Happen

Here’s a scenario that will never happen.

President Trump calls Sean Hannity at home and they chat for a while.

Later that day Fox reports, “President Trump advises everyone to apply peanut butter to the bottom of your feet to prevent COVID-19.”

At President Trump’s daily coronavirus pep rally press briefing—

Reporter:  “Mr. President, do you support the peanut butter cure?”

President Trump: “All I can say is that it has received a lot of attention from the media. You can’t ignore that. Next question, please.”

Hours later, President Trump and Sean Hannity again talk on the phone with one another.

Hannity (trying to control himself)- “So how many people do you think are going to bed tonight with peanut butter on their feet?”

Trump (laughing) – “Just about every undereducated male goomba out there. You know which states have the most undereducated goombas, don’t you?”

Hannity — “Of course! That’s where I get my highest ratings!”

Trump — “Speaking of education, I forget. What college did you graduate from?”

Hannity  (laughing) – “Graduate? Hell! I was–and am still–too important to worry about graduating. Nevertheless, people still follow me like sheep to the slaughterhouse behind a Judas goat!”

Trump — “I’m going to have to go. My slippers are–never mind. Hey, Sean, just in case, in 2021 . . . ?”

Hannity — “Umm, let me get back to you on that. Gotta run, bye.”

[CLICK]