Trump’s New Normal

Today, President Donald “Stable Genius” Trump announced that he would designate ANTIFA, an organization whose stated purpose to oppose fascism, as a terrorist organization. This comes on the heels of his executive order on May 28th, aimed at controlling Twitter.

Given the problems of the coronavirus, massive unemployment, an economy in trouble, and riots in the streets, many might have missed his other recent moves:

  • Broccoli has been declared a controlled substance, making it illegal to serve broccoli in restaurants. Preparation of broccoli at home is now a crime in the the same category as running a home meth lab.
  • In order to support business impacted by the pandemic and ensure key industries will quickly return to profitability, every American is now required to buy and consume at least one fast-food cheeseburger, fries, and cola each week.
  • All books authored by George Orwell will be removed from libraries and bookstores because, “they give people bad ideas. Terrible. Terrible ideas. Really bad!”
  • Newspapers and other media are now limited to printing or distributing information on the following: sports news, comics, positive stock market reports, flattering pictures of President Trump, and cute cat pictures. The latter is a major concession since both the President and the First Lady hate cats.
  • An executive order is being prepared that will ensure that Donald J. Trump will retain full and exclusive authority to issue executive orders after he leaves office. Said authority will become a hereditary birthright for the Trump (Inc.) family.
  • All future church services will become mandatory in order to ensure that golf courses do not become overly crowded on Sunday mornings.
  • Both civil rights and common sense are hereby suspended.
  • President Trump is declaring Marshall Law, or at least will, once somebody arranges a photo op to present him a spiffy new badge that says “Marshall”

Abe, He Hardly Knew Ye

Trump Says US Press Treats Him Worse than Lincoln | Voice ...

Comments before and during the Fox interview that never happened.

Fox News: Mr. President, do you prefer that we toss softball questions, wiffleball questions, or marshmallow questions at you?

Trump: The press always asks me nasty questions, mean questions. I don’t want any nasty questions.

Fox News: So marshmallow questions it is. You’ve said that the press treats you worse than they treated President Abraham Lincoln, would you care to expound on that.

Trump: Expound? I haven’t gained a single pound. It’s the bulletproof vest, trousers, and suit coat. I golf to keep myself in shape.

Fox News: Yes, Mr. President. We’re sitting in the Lincoln Memorial. That must have some special meaning to you.

Trump: Lincoln? The press treats me much worse than they treated Lincoln. Lincoln was president before Obama, wasn’t he? Ten-fifteen years before Obama? Obama screwed everything up. Lincoln might have put him up to it, you know.

Fox News: Yes, sir. I’m young so his presidency was before my time as a hard charging Fox News reporter. So, tell me, Mr. President, what do you think of Lincoln?

Trump: I hear he was good. People say he is a Republican. I don’t remember him–I may have met him once or twice–but I don’t recall. If he is a Republican, that’s–well, good. Good. Very good. I like loyal Republicans. Maybe I should have Jared contact him.

Fox News: Mr. President, Abraham Lincoln is dead.

Trump: He’s dead? Sad. Very sad.

Maybe we should build a monument to him. Something with a huge wall. I’ll have Ivanka look into that.

Fox News Really Doesn't Want To Talk About The Good Jobs ...

It’ll Never Happen

Here’s a scenario that will never happen.

President Trump calls Sean Hannity at home and they chat for a while.

Later that day Fox reports, “President Trump advises everyone to apply peanut butter to the bottom of your feet to prevent COVID-19.”

At President Trump’s daily coronavirus pep rally press briefing—

Reporter:  “Mr. President, do you support the peanut butter cure?”

President Trump: “All I can say is that it has received a lot of attention from the media. You can’t ignore that. Next question, please.”

Hours later, President Trump and Sean Hannity again talk on the phone with one another.

Hannity (trying to control himself)- “So how many people do you think are going to bed tonight with peanut butter on their feet?”

Trump (laughing) – “Just about every undereducated male goomba out there. You know which states have the most undereducated goombas, don’t you?”

Hannity — “Of course! That’s where I get my highest ratings!”

Trump — “Speaking of education, I forget. What college did you graduate from?”

Hannity  (laughing) – “Graduate? Hell! I was–and am still–too important to worry about graduating. Nevertheless, people still follow me like sheep to the slaughterhouse behind a Judas goat!”

Trump — “I’m going to have to go. My slippers are–never mind. Hey, Sean, just in case, in 2021 . . . ?”

Hannity — “Umm, let me get back to you on that. Gotta run, bye.”

[CLICK]

 

 

Coming to a Theater Near You

clapboard

 

An imaginary business meeting

CAMERA 1 FADES IN
Agent (excitedly): Listen, JB, This can’t lose! Sequels are in–look at them: Star Wars! Men in Black! Marvel Comics! Harry Potter! This is the ultimate! It’s got life and death, skullduggery, and intrigue! If we don’t make this movie, someone else will and they will be the ones to be rich and famous!

CUT TO CAMERA 2 ON JB
JB (skeptically): I know, but it’s incomplete. We don’t know how it’s going to end. It’s missing key plot points to make the story work.

CAMERA 2 PANS FROM JB TO AGENT
Agent (somewhat frustrated): Working in sex is no problem. Part of this will be set in DC and it’s crawling with gorgeous, young female staffers. Even better, we’ll be filming in the south–Southern Belles, no unions, tax breaks, sunshine–it’s perfect.

FADE TO CAMERA 1 WHICH INCLUDES BOTH AGENT AND JB IN THE FRAME
JB (thoughtfully): Why in the south?

Agent: That’s where the “remain in place” directives have been the weakest and will probably be the first to be eliminated. That’s essential to the plot.

Sharp focus on JB with soft focus on the agent
JB:
How are you going to guarantee the . . . .

CUT TO CAMERA TWO ON AGENT
Agent (Interrupting, then leaning forward toward JB): The states we’re looking at are lifting their restrictions early. There’s bound to be a second wave;  we’ve even hired people to protest self-isolation in several states.

CUT TO CAMERA ONE–BOTH JB AND AGENT IN FRAME–FOCUS CLEAR ON JB
JB (shaking his finger at agent): You’d better be right. If the second wave doesn’t have at least 100 thousand dead, I’m going to be pissed! If I’m going to pitch this to the investors, it needs a snappy working title.

CAMERA ONE–SAME FRAME–SHIFT FOCUS TO AGENT
Agent (smugly): Coronavirus–The Sequel

 

 

 

Not Me! (Revised)

trumrose
President Donald Trump, wax Figure of Vice President Mike Pence, and celebrity look-alike actors in front of a cardboard mock-up of the White House.

When asked if eliminating the Office of Pandemic Research had slowed the response to the coronavirus, President Trump called it “a nasty question” before adding: “When you say ‘me,’ I didn’t do it.We have a group of people [in the administration]. But I could perhaps ask Tony about that, because I don’t know anything about it.” (“Tony” is Dr. Anthony Fauci, the head of the National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases.)

When asked later if he, as President, should take more responsibility, Trump replied in a tweet, “When you say the President should take responsibility, you don’t mean me. I had nothing to do with the last election. It was the voters and that awful, awful Hillary Clinton. They’re the ones who should be held responsible–not me! It’s terrible! Terrible! Fake news! Witch hunt! Sad.”

CORRECTION: It has been reported that it was NOT a wax figure of Mike Pence, but Mike Pence himself. Given that we can’t tell the difference, we’ll leave the decision up to you.

Aye, the Play’s the Thinge

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The Trump Thespian Society is known for famous actors. These include Mick Mulvaney with acting credits for both the Office of Management and Budget Director and Chief of Staff,  as well as such well known stars as Jim Mattis, Jeff Sessions, John Kelly, etc., etc., etc.

Ladies and gentlemen, tonight the role of Chief of Staff will be played by Mark Meadows.

 

. . . and several butchers’ aprons. And now, something completely different.

In order to save the American people from the coronavirus, President Trump has sprained both his thumbs as he attempts to twitter* away the disease.

 

* If one who runs is a runner and one who bakes is a baker, is one who uses twitter a twit?

You, Me, and Them

Being that I live in a sewer and am known for my lack of hygiene, I don’t often get out to the movies and they won’t install cable for me. However, I have subscribed to Netflix, so I can see movies and television shows, although they’re what you used to call “reruns”.

As I watch the political goings on, I am struck by the mob mentality. Mob might be a bit strong, but I believe someone once called it group-think. The phenomenon is that members of a group tend to surrender their individuality in order to fit in. Instead of using critical thinking and logic, they go with the prevailing opinion of the group.

The reason I mentioned Netflix is because I can’t say it better than how it was explained in Men in Black:

J: People are smart.

K: A person is smart. People are dumb, panicky dangerous animals and you know it.

God and Trump

MIAMI — In his first public appearance since the strike that killed Maj. Gen. Qassim Suleimani of Iran, President Trump rallied his evangelical Christian base of supporters on Friday, portraying himself as the restorer of faith in the public square and claiming that God is “on our side.” (MSN.com)

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I wonder:

  1. If God contacted Trump personally
  2. If Trump is dictating what he expects God to do
  3. If Trump made the announcement without God being consulted

Psychological Projection

Your president tweeted* about a young lady who has taken a stand in favor of protecting the environment.

Apparently, she has admitted to Aspbergers, a “disorder” that often afflicts brilliant scientists, engineers, and computer programmers and allows them to focus intently on their work. However, the ability to focus on one thing often makes social interaction challenging. (“Sorry about not engaging in small talk–I’m trying to understand a quantum mechanics algorithm.”)

The president’s tweet said, “Greta must work on her Anger Management problem, then go to a good old fashioned movie with a friend!”

She should take his advice to heart–after all, this advice comes from an individual who has significant experience with anger issues as well as extreme difficulty interacting socially.

I guess she did. Her reply? “A teenager working on her anger management problem. Currently chilling and watching a good old fashioned movie with a friend.”

Problem solved?

 

 

* Are those who use Twitter, Twits?

Trump’s Medical Exam

As near as I can tell from what has been made public, the the president’s “routine” medical exam was not only unscheduled, but was actually quite a surprise to the staff at Walter Reed Medical Center.

It’s possible that he might have met the catastrophic cap on his medical insurance and wanted to get his physical done without having to pay a copay or a deductible. Many people are frugal like that.

His physician wrote a memo explaining that the exam was not publicized because of “scheduling uncertainties.” In other words, they had to fit the President of the United States in to their schedule.

Right.

“I’m sorry, but we’ve got a sprained ankle from a soccer game and a bloody nose to deal with. Tell the President to take two acetaminophen and call us in the morning.”

Coincidentally, the doctor’s memo made no mention of heel spurs.