The Boss Visits

The mob boss walked in, surrounded by his goons. His overcoat was around his shoulders without his arms being in the sleeves. He shrugged, and one of the goons removed the overcoat, draped it over his arm, and stepped back from the boss.

He was clearly not the stereotypical Sicilian. His perfectly coiffed hair was fading from blonde to grey, even though in his younger days, his hair had been brown. His white shirt was accented by a bright red tie, which extended several inches below his belt buckle. He leaned slightly forward as if in anticipation, although rumor had it that it was due to lifts in his shoes.

He looked around, and spoke about how proud they should be that he was making a visit. As he spoke, his tiny hands moved closer and farther apart, as though he were playing an invisible accordion. When he was finished speaking, several people came up to kiss his high-school ring.

Mitch “No-Chin” had once been extremely powerful, and might be again; in either case, he was prone to kissing whichever part of the Boss he believed would help him hang onto power. Another, a female who was new to the syndicate, knelt before him, losing her aluminum foil hat in the process.

“Are you Q?” she asked. The boss looked down his nose and snorted.

Others followed, all paying homage and pledging their loyalty to the boss.

After a bit, the boss shrugged, a signal for his underling, who spread the boss’s overcoat over his shoulders,leaving a number of others waiting in line. The boss started to turn, stopped, and turned back.

“Ya got a real nice Senate here. It would be a shame if something were to happen to it.”

He walked out the door.

Entertain Me!

When you’ve lived as long as I have . . . .

Okay, I’m not really living. I actually died over 2,000 years ago, nevertheless, I remain sentient.

If you’ve watched the world as long as I have, you see all kinds of things: The good; The bad; and the “You’ve gotta be fuckin’ kidding me!?!”

'Trumponomics' Tries To Praise Trump, Instead Exposes Him

By this point I’m jaded, but your immediate past president was a hoot to watch. On rare occasions, he slipped up and told the truth (How embarrassing). He proudly and publicly issued pardons or commutations for many of his cronies. He encouraged an attack on his own Capitol. When he left office, he still had the ability to piss people off by moving into Mar a Lago when he promised he wouldn’t.

There goes the neighborhood!

However, my all time favorite was his choice of advisors. I’m not talking about his daughter and son-in-law, the Botox kids. I’m not talking about Rudy (“I’m not senile–what was I saying?”) Giuliani. I’m talking about the pillow guy. He listens to a pillow salesman. In the annals of national leaders, that’s one-of-a-kind, especially since he claims he doesn’t really sleep at night. Classic!

On the other hand, your new president–B-O-R-I-N-G!!!

Goes to church. Tries to stick to the facts. Loves his wife. Would rather grab a rosary than some random female’s genitals. Reads his daily briefing. B-O-R-I-N-G!!!

Give me a break! I’m not asking for the world, just a little understanding. When you have no body, you can’t scratch or let out a decent belch. I haven’t had a drink in over two millennia. The only thing I’ve got to pass the time is watching you people. Please, Make America Crazy Again!

Identity Crisis

If I, Diogenese, the founder of the philosophical discipline of Cynicism become befuddled, that means that the situation I see is really and truly fucked up. Sorry about that, but no matter how crazy living people can be, no one before has ever tried to out-crazy me.

All I can do is try to find some humor in it…. /..-/–/—/.-.

Great Leaders in History: Napoleon Bonaparte - YouTube

A man with serious delusions was under treatment in a psychiatric hospital. The new psychiatric resident sat down with him in his semi-private room and tried to engage him in a conversation.

“Hello, I’m Dr. Johnson and I’ll be helping to care for you. And what is your name?” The patient sat up in bed, tucked his right hand into his shirt and announced with an impressive French accent.

“I, sir, am Napoleon Bonaparte, the greatest general in the history of the world!” The resident maintained his cool and replied.

“General, or should I say, Emperor Bonaparte, it is truly a pleasure to meet you. The entire world knows of your skills and your deeds. I would shake your hand, but I don’t know if that would be appropriate.”

“It would,” the patient replied, extending his hand, “given that you have been ushered into my private chambers. France’s values of liberté, égalité, fraternité are well known.”

“Yes, sir, they are,” the resident replied, “and wonderful values they are that have defined France so well.” The patient smiled and nodded his assent.

“With my apologies, sir, I must ask you an unusual question. Who told you that you were Napoleon Bonaparte?”

“God did!” the patient replied forcefully.

Donald Trump, the patient in the other bed sat bolt upright, crossed his arms across his chest and replied loudly, “I MOST CERTAINLY DID NOT!”

Talking Bird

One of the houses near the sewer in which I live has some type of talking bird. I don’t know if it’s a mynah, a crow, or some breed of parrot. In any case, it’s driving me crazy. Over and over it says the same thing:

“Rounding the turn!”

“Rounding the turn!”

“Rounding the turn!”

That’s one reason why I like dogs best — they don’t talk.

Republican National Cofefe

The chairman du jour (CDJ) of the Republican National Party, who responded anonymously to my questions, shared the following.

First, the 2020 Republican National Convention will exclude the media. CDJ disclosed that this is the result of the media being on double-secret-probation since midway through Richard Nixon’s first term as president.

Second, attendance will be by invitation only. So far, the invitees who will attend include Mitch McConnell (a tentative acceptance), Lindsey “Cracker” Graham, and Ohio Representative Jim Jordan. Jordan reacted explosively with ten minutes of pejoratives and curses when he received his invitation. When he finally stopped to take a breath, one of his staff member explained, “Jim, you wanted to be invited.”

“I did?” responded Jordan. “I’m still not going to wear a suit coat or button my shirt collar.”

Donald trump has his front line physicians lined up to attend, bringing various demons and aliens to explain the benefits of tossing back a shot glass of hydroxychloroquine followed by a Clorox chaser.

As the convention moved from North Carolina, to Florida, (and briefly to Mar a Leggo), highly placed sources compared the convention to a floating crap game or a 1920’s speakeasy. “If you ain’t already endorsed the trumpster, ya ain’t gonna find it.”

Over the last 2 1/2 millennia, I haven’t enjoyed politics this much since Caligula became emperor.

John Adams’ Advice

In the musical 1776, one of the first offerings is John Adams bemoaning the lack of progress toward independency:

I do believe you’ve laid a curse on North America
A curse that we now here rehearse in Philadelphia
A second flood, a simple famine
Plagues of locusts everywhere
Or a cataclysmic earthquake
I’d accept with some despair
But, no, you sent us Congress.
Good God, sir, was that fair?

Sometimes it’s hard to improve on the classics.

You Goya Ivanka!

Ivanka Trump backs Goya on Twitter after liberals call for ...

Ivanka Trump recently told unemployed Americans to “find something new.” This simplistic response to a complex problem was met with astonishment and compared to Marie Antoinette’s alleged advice to “Let them eat cake.” The biggest difference is that Antoinette probably did NOT make the cake comment. Ivanka, on the other hand, actually did tell Americans to “find something new.”

Anxious to top her previous comment, Ivanka–the Special Assistant to the President for Boneheaded Advice–raised the ante. Goya’s president had angered many of its customers by calling Donald Trump “a blessing,” so Ivanka started promoting Goya. Does anyone believe that Ivanka has ever–as in not even once in her life–opened a can of Goya beans?

Since all Trumps are shielded from laws, regulations, and anything else they find inconvenient, Ivanka’s Goya promotion is a clear federal ethics violation is immaterial. After all, White House plastic surgery poster girl Kellyann Conway, violated the same ethics rules when she shilled Ivanka’s clothing brand. When the administration was confronted with Kellyann’s behavior, the only response was silence, interrupted only by the sound of crickets chirping.

The president is rumored to have told his staff that it’s no big deal and both issues could easily be corrected with the stroke of a SHARPIE.

P.S. Given Donald Trumps bromance with Russian leader-for-life Vladimir Putin, does anyone else find it unsettling that “Ivanka” is the feminine version of “Ivan,” one of, if not the most, popular first name in Russia?

Winning Is Based on Perspective

With the Coronavirus exceeding expectations–and fears–the view from Washington, DC is different from what most people see. Trump keeps telling everyone that things are great and that the only reason that the number of cases is so high is because of testing and testing should slow down. I propose a different approach.

If nature hands you a lemon–make margaritas. Increase testing. Capture every case. Roll up the numbers.

Washington could use the 3,524,895 cases and 138, 936 deaths to claim that “We’re Number One!”

Number One? We’re winning!

Open the schools and we just might declare a trifecta!

Politik Talk

September 23, 1952: Richard Nixon Makes the ‘Checkers ...
Richard Nixon’s Nationally Televised Checkers Speech

I love how politicians (don’t) answer questions. Instead of answering the question they are asked, they answer a different question–not the one asked, but one that lets them say what they want to say.

I call it “Nixoning.” In 1952, while running for Vice President with Dwight D. Eisenhower, Nixon was asked about a $16,000 fund that was irregular, if not illegal. Nixon went on national television to contest the challenge. He stated that there was one gift he’d never return–a black and white dog named Checkers.

No one asked about Checkers. Nixon answered the question he wanted to answer–and who would want his children to lose their dog? (Maybe he should have claimed that the dog ate the $16,000.)

Today, reporters ask politicians about serious issues and get amazing answers. In the spirit of “In for a penny, in for a pound” I suggest that politicians take it just one teeny-tiny step further. For them it should be quite easy.

Reporter: How should the US respond to the objections to, and often destruction of, monuments of slaveholders?
Politician: I think it’s sad, in fact tragic, that today’s youth are not growing up respecting the heroes we idolized when we were little. For example, almost no grade, middle, or high school student today has any appreciation for Mighty Mouse. It’s sad. It’s an outrage.

Reporter: With more than 132,000 deaths in the US, is the response to the coronavirus pandemic being properly managed?
Politician: I’d like to answer that in two ways, first with my normal voice and then with an irritating high-pitched squeaky voice.* Let me just say that it is impossible to manage any disease. We pass laws, yet those nasty little germs do whatever they want. Why? Because they’re so tiny it’s difficult to catch them, much less get them in front of a judge!

As the old joke asketh: “How can you tell when a politician is lying?”

And answereth with: “Their lips are moving.”

* With apologies to Graham Chapman and all the members of Monty Python.

Trump Campaign-What a Show!

Personally, I’m excited about Donald Trump’s re-election campaign. It looks to be more entertaining political intrigue than watching the Borgias or the Medicis during their prime. Why?

Because the campaign is being run by this guy.

Jared Kushner registered to vote as a female

Jared Kuschner, who’s qualifications include marrying the Trump daughter for which Trump seems to have an unnatural affection. That’s it. Nothing else to add to his bona fides. However, his experience speaks for itself.

Jared was in charge of solving the opioid crisis, which wasn’t exactly solved. In 2019 there were 46,802 deaths due to opioids. Ooops!

Jared single-handedly managed the Middle East peace process without absolutely any tangible results.

He was responsible for improving relations with China. Not exactly a home run, but in fairness, they did share COVID-19 with the rest of the world.

Speaking of which, there was Jared’s wonderful handling of the response to the pandemic, which had a record 51,097 new cases yesterday. However, he set us all straight when he explained that the national stockpile of emergency supplies is “our” meaning “his” stockpile and not for use by the states, much less the people of the United States of America.

I can’t wait to see the campaign unfold. This has the potential to challenge the Marx Brothers for absolute knee-slapping comedy.