Trump’s New Normal

Today, President Donald “Stable Genius” Trump announced that he would designate ANTIFA, an organization whose stated purpose to oppose fascism, as a terrorist organization. This comes on the heels of his executive order on May 28th, aimed at controlling Twitter.

Given the problems of the coronavirus, massive unemployment, an economy in trouble, and riots in the streets, many might have missed his other recent moves:

  • Broccoli has been declared a controlled substance, making it illegal to serve broccoli in restaurants. Preparation of broccoli at home is now a crime in the the same category as running a home meth lab.
  • In order to support business impacted by the pandemic and ensure key industries will quickly return to profitability, every American is now required to buy and consume at least one fast-food cheeseburger, fries, and cola each week.
  • All books authored by George Orwell will be removed from libraries and bookstores because, “they give people bad ideas. Terrible. Terrible ideas. Really bad!”
  • Newspapers and other media are now limited to printing or distributing information on the following: sports news, comics, positive stock market reports, flattering pictures of President Trump, and cute cat pictures. The latter is a major concession since both the President and the First Lady hate cats.
  • An executive order is being prepared that will ensure that Donald J. Trump will retain full and exclusive authority to issue executive orders after he leaves office. Said authority will become a hereditary birthright for the Trump (Inc.) family.
  • All future church services will become mandatory in order to ensure that golf courses do not become overly crowded on Sunday mornings.
  • Both civil rights and common sense are hereby suspended.
  • President Trump is declaring Marshall Law, or at least will, once somebody arranges a photo op to present him a spiffy new badge that says “Marshall”

Flynn Case Dropped! No One Surprised!

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An imaginary conversation

Reporter: “Why was the case against Michael Flynn dropped?”

Dept of Justice (DOJ) Spokesperson: “Obviously, because he’s innocent.”

Reporter: “But, he pled guilty!”

DOJ: “Yeah, he did that.”

Reporter: “So he admitted that he had done the illegal acts they accused him of.”

DOJ: “Obviously, he didn’t know any better.”

Reporter: “Didn’t know any better? He was a frickin’ three-star general! Of course he knew better!”

DOJ: “We all make mistakes.”

Reporter: “He was caught and he admitted–on the record–to being guilty!”

DOJ: “But he got better.”

Reporter: “No one “gets better” from being guilty!”

DOJ: “Flynn did, which proves you’re wrong.”

Reporter: “President Donald J. Trump fired him because he was guilty!”

DOJ: “But as I told you, he got better. Even the President noticed and refers to him as an innocent man who was attacked by human scum.”

Reporter–Stands up and walks out

DOJ: “Where are you going?”

Reporter: “To visit a friend-of-a-friend who works in the visa section of the New Zealand embassy.”

 

It’s Not So Bad

As I watch the tug-of-war between your economy and your health, I thought I could offer some helpful advise. Many of you are worrying that the attempts to return to normal when things aren’t normal might not work out so well. Not to worry.

Having been an observer for several millennia, I can tell you how the story will unfold. Money always wins. People are born and people die, but money keeps on going.

In your case, what will be interesting will be after the resurgence, how will the demographics shift. Will it be the No Mask crowd? Will it be those who live in population centers where they have quality medical facilities? Will it be those in rural areas–more spread out, but less medical capability and capacity? Who lives? Who dies? Who knows!

I promised helpful advice, so here goes. Death isn’t so bad once you get used to it. It’s the getting used to it part that takes time. In my case, it took roughly 2400 years, but today I’m better than before.

A Sad Story

“Once upon a time,” he began, “there was a group of wise people who made decisions that were seen as so important that all the other decision makers listened to them. Most of the decision makers were called judges. The more important ones were called justices, and the most important were called the Supreme Court Justices.

“The Supreme Court only made decision regarding whether or not the judges and other justices followed the rules in an important document called the Constitution. The importance of the Constitution could be see by its first three words, ‘We the People.’” The Supreme Court looked out for the people and could not be swayed by gifts, or power, or even politics.

“People slept well at night, knowing that their rights would be protected by the Supreme Court. The end.”

“Grandpa!” she asked, “Is that true?”

“No dear,” he replied shaking his head sadly, “It’s just a fairy tale like Cinderella or Sleeping Beauty.”

Biblical Thoughts for Today

When you live as long as I have, there is plenty of time to read, so I’ve taken advantage of the opportunity. There is much to be learned from the various sacred texts of people throughout the earth. Today I’m going to focus on the New Testament of the Christian Bible.

First, I have no quarrel with those who place high importance on attending religious services. Your Jesus said a couple of things that you might want to meditate on.

  • Then he said to them, “The Sabbath was made for man, not man for the Sabbath.” (Mark 2:27)
  • “And the King will say, ‘I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least
    of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!’   (Matthew 25:40)

I suspect passing along disease during a pandemic might apply. I leave that for you to discern whether it applies to you.

Second, many celebrate this Sunday as Palm Sunday, when Jesus was welcomed into Jerusalem to wild adulation, which Jesus did not seek. Not many days later, the crowd’s tune changed to the demand for His torture and death.

I commend this thought to the rich and powerful for whom adulation is so important.

Don’t Worry, Be Happy!

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People say–many people, many-many people–that self-proclaimed stable genius Donald Trump, has the hoax, but not a hoax, Corona Virus situation under control. His solution is perfect–read the non-transcript. It’s perfect.

So, to those of you having difficulty breathing, a 104 degree fever, and hallucinations, don’t worry. It’s all okay. It’s totally okay.

Trump’s gut, which is smarter than you will ever be, told him to put Jared Kushner in charge of the pandemic. One reason is because Jared (the son-in-law, not the jeweler) did such a marvelous job in negotiating peace between Israel and Palestine. The peace was perfect, except for the continuing hostilities and casualties. However, it was perfect, just perfect.

Kushner, a real estate developer (not a slumlord), requires no education or experience in medicine, epidemiology, or disaster management, to be the obvious choice. Out of 329 and a half million people in America, including 11 million medical doctors and tens of millions of other scientists, HE is the one with the unique skills to handle this.

Kushner’s other bona-fides include marrying into the Trump family, although, his wife chose to keep her surname. Many people say, or so I’ve heard, this males things easier during a divorce. But then again, that might be a hoax. Or not. Or fake news. Or not.

In any case it’s good. It’s perfect. Just perfect.

 

Aye, the Play’s the Thinge

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The Trump Thespian Society is known for famous actors. These include Mick Mulvaney with acting credits for both the Office of Management and Budget Director and Chief of Staff,  as well as such well known stars as Jim Mattis, Jeff Sessions, John Kelly, etc., etc., etc.

Ladies and gentlemen, tonight the role of Chief of Staff will be played by Mark Meadows.

 

. . . and several butchers’ aprons. And now, something completely different.

In order to save the American people from the coronavirus, President Trump has sprained both his thumbs as he attempts to twitter* away the disease.

 

* If one who runs is a runner and one who bakes is a baker, is one who uses twitter a twit?

Prejudicial, I Mean Presidential, Politics

I love politics! I love the intrigue, the feints, the intrigue, the outrageous claims, the intrigue, and counterclaims. Did I mention intrigue? If you wrote about real life politics as fiction, your editor would strike it out. In real life, though,  it is, sadly, real.

Your Joe Biden now looks to be in a good position to win the Democratic Party’s nomination. In the meantime, the Grand OLD Party (Did you notice a bit of a sardonic edge there?) is preparing to investigate Biden, his son, his mother’s cousin twice removed, and a classmate of his from kindergarten. (Look at her eyes in the kindergarten class picture! Need I say more?)

What should he do? What should he do?

He could say:

  1. “I believe you have an issue with my son, Hunter Biden. Whether or not it’s valid, when he became a legal adult, I no longer could tell him what to do. I couldn’t even see his grades from college or make a medical appointment for him. Even if I wanted to control him, I could not. Deal directly with him. (Since he’s not running for public office, he’ll probably just ignore you.”
  2. “Inasmuch as we are looking at my son, it’s only fair that you either self report on any and all irregularities with regard to your children in addition to any questionable acts that you might have committed. People will be conducting an investigation of you and your children’s activities over the past 20 years.”
  3. “Why? Why will this happen? What’s sauce for the goose is sauce for the gander.”

Politicians

I’ve heard people say that they want a powerful leader, not a pastor, as president. I can appreciate that–to an extent.

But then again, the Holy Roman Empire was a mess. In the middle ages, popes were chosen by various kings to whom they owed allegiance, except when popes chose kings. Religion? What? It’s all about power!

So think this through.