Double Standard

Diogenes lived about 3 centuries before the beginning of our modern calendar. He was a philosopher—one of the founders of cynicism. Apparently he was quite off-putting; he slept in a ceramic vessel, although it may have been a sewer. He’s reported to have traveled through town, during the day, with a lighted lamp, claiming to be “Searching for an honest man,” which was one of his more civilized activities.

A new congresswoman resigned because revenge-porn nude pictures of her spread through the internet.

Compare this to the current president bragging about grabbing women by their genitalia. And his wife du jour has explicit professionally produced nude photos on the internet. In fairness to her, she was a model and many believe the pictures were taken as a way for The Donald to show he has a hot wife (and believes that you don’t).

The congresswoman resigns.

The President digs in as the Republicans draw their wagons into a circle around him.

Will somebody please explain?

Latest Poles (Sorry, I meant Polls)

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The news is abuzz with the latest polls. A word of advice from Samuel Clemens (aka Mark Twain) is appropriate. He told us, “There are lies, damn lies, and statistics.”

At best, polls are lumped into statistics, although I believe they are somewhere between “Pipe dream” (as in, “Wow man, I can see it too! Far out!) and “Hallucination.”

Today the polls are not reporting the national standing of the candidates , but instead they are reporting on the first two states that will sorta, kinda have the first sorta, kinda primaries. Let’s put this into perspective.

Iowa has a caucus (February 3, 2020), which is different than a primary. It’s more like a block party than a political event.

New Hampshire, has the first actual primary (February 11, 2020).

The spotlight is tightly focused on these powerhouse states.

Just to put things into perspective–there are 538 votes in the electoral college.
Iowa’s power block? Six.
New Hampshire’s share? Four.

Between these two key states, together they represent not-quite two percent of the votes that actually are counted in a presidential election.

However, focusing on those two states definitely helps to sell television advertisements.

 

Tactics, Techniques, and Procedures (TTPs)

My Dearest Vlad,

I’m so lucky to have you as an advisor–you are so much more smart than my generals or the so-called “intelligence” experts. I don’t need them because, after all, I’m a stable genius. Smart! Stable! Genius!

As you suggested, I got on live TV (You know I’m a reality TV star, don’t you? Big! Huge! Star!). I explained everything I could remember about the special operation that killed Bagdaddy. Dead! Coward! Covfefe!

Some of the generals here are trying to argue with me (ME!) but my staff stops them–most of my staff are temporary, or as I like to call them, “acting.” Kelly cabinet! We work!

The generals keep complaining that I disclosed TTPs. Isn’t that when people throw toilet paper over your house and trees? So what’s the big deal? It’s a mess, but I have employees to clean it up who are willing to work for next to nothing. I never check their paperwork. Lots of Spanish. Good business! Cost cutting! Smart!

In any case, Vlad, I appreciate all your support and advice.

I hate to ask this, but just in case things go badly, will you help me out? I’m sure you could provide me with a nice dacha in Crimea. If absolutely necessary I’d be willing to bunk with Ed Snowden for a couple of days until you can get everything finalized.

You don’t need to worry about my wife–she is from somewhere over there, so she’ll be fine.

Your apostle,

(Signature illegible)

 

Which Side Is He On?

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As I’ve mentioned before, I’ve become pretty jaded over the millennia. The last few years have managed, somehow, to shock me at times.

Such as now.

Normally in the United States, the president informs Congress, or at least key members of Congress (regardless of political party) before a significant military event occurs.

President Trump, however, initiated the special forces military operation that led to the death of ISIS Caliph Abu Bakr al Baghdadi without informing key congressional leaders. He did, however, inform Russian President Vladimir Putin in advance.

If I were a suspicious person . . . .

At least, for as much as Trump admires Putin, he has not taken to Putin’s affinity for taking off his shirt at every opportunity. We should all be thankful for that.

 

A Cease-Fire by Any Other Name

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Having been around for a few millennia means that I’ve seen just about everything–over, and over, and over. I keep hoping that humankind will learn from their past actions. Be honest, have you?

Not only no, but hell no. You never learn.

Today your Vice-President, Mike Pence negotiated a supposed 120 hour cease-fire between Turkey and the Kurds in Syria. Sounds good?

You never learn.

This is better referred to as “time for Turkey to resupply, rearm, reload, and relax. They’ll start to rape, pillage, and burn again, either in 121 hours, or as soon as all Turkey’s soldiers have a full load of ammo, a full belly, and a full night’s sleep.

I know this –not because I’m a genius (although I am)–but because it has always been this way and I see no evidence of change.

Souls for Sale

 

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Over the past few millenia, I’ve seen many souls sold to the devil. Most–if not all–people made a terrible deal, selling their soul for pennies when it’s worth a king’s ransom. It should be evident to anyone what a soul is worth.

Christians, who sometimes need to be told things clearly (small words, short sentences, or parables) lest they misunderstand, should at least have a clue. If you believe that the Son of God died to redeem you, then what do you think your soul is worth?

I’ll wait while you find a calculator.

In any case, the current soul trade is definitely a buyer’s market. People are lining up to sell their souls. Buyers are only offering a smidge of a pittance. No one seems to care. If anything, the line of sellers keeps growing.

Now for the bad news–most people will have to wait until all of the politicians’ sales have been processed before they can even list their souls. Don’t expect too much, but–hey–its only your soul.

 

 

Precedent

Based on President Trump’s demand that he does not need to answer any subpoenas until certain conditions–such as a vote of the entire House of Representatives–are met, may I present this scenario:

Judge: “Mr. Johnson, do you have an attorney?”

Johnson: (tweeting) I don’t need an attorney. I will represent myself.

Bailiff: confiscates cell phone.

Judge: “If we may continue, Mr. Johnson you are charged with . . . .”

Johnson: “This is a political fiasco and I won’t  provide any information until the entire police department votes unanimously to charge me!”

Judge: “Mr. Johnson, with all due respect to Fox News (if any is, in fact, due) the accused is not the one who gets to set terms. The rules are already in place and you are expected to comply with them.”

Johnson: “This is a witch hunt! TERRIBLE! I’m being harassed! It’s all based on fake news! SAD!”

Judge: “Bailiff, given that Mr. Johnson is not President of the United States, would you please take Mr. Johnson into custody until he either is represented by an attorney or is prepared to present an appropriate legal defense.”

Bailiff: Half guides and half carries Johnson out. Johnson is still screaming.

Johnson: “I demand my phone! It’s my constitutional right to tweet! This is a travesty! (sound of his voice fades out)

Judge: Puts head in hands, brushes her hair back, and takes a deep breath. “Bailiff, to save me from calling a recess, do you have any acetaminophen?”

Bailiff: “Yes, your honor. Every day, your honor.” Passes a bottle of generic acetaminophen to the judge, who shakes two into her hand and with her bottle of water, swallows them.

Judge: Handing the bottle back to the bailiff, “Thank you. Please remind me to buy a large economy size bottle to keep here on my bench.”

Bailiff: nods

Judge: Sighs. “Okay, let’s move on to the next case.”

Bailiff: “Your honor, the next defendant is represented by Rudy Giuliani.”

Judge: Groans