The Only Way to Win Is Cheat*

Don't vote (@0DoNotVote0) | Twitter

I was going to say, “For the benefit of my Republican friends,” but then I realized that I have had fewer and fewer Republican friends over the past four years. I’m not sure I have any right now.

Most political parties and candidates base their campaigns on some variant of “Vote for ME! Have your friends vote for me! Everybody should vote for me!” It’s a reasonable approach and often sometimes successful. However, based on recent legislation in several states, it is not effective for Republicans.

The Republicans are taking more measures to make voting difficult. They are restricting mail-in-ballots (which have demonstrated very little voter fraud), early voting (which have demonstrated very little voter fraud), limiting voting locations and shortening hours for voting. Why? Because if an informed populace votes, the Republicans fear that they will lose.

They’re probably right.

*Painless’ Suicide, the theme song for M*A*S*H.

The Devil You Know

One of the curious sayings that you have is “Better the devil you know than the devil you don’t.” As I recall, in your culture, the devil is the personification of evil, so why would you choose ANY devil?

Over the millennia, I’ve seen the devil at work. He looks nothing like your artistic representations since he’s actually quite attractive–his name Lucifer means “light bearer,” you know. He’s also intelligent, charming, and very, very sly. That’s how he manages to suck so many people into doing his bidding without even realizing they are. Don’t believe me? Look at the Germans during World War II that turned a blind eye toward the Holocaust. Look at the people today who deny that the Holocaust ever existed.

The devil has many tools–money, flattery, and empathy. The last is particularly effective–“You’re a good person. This thing you want to do isn’t really bad because you’re doing it for a good reason. Go ahead.” You probably saw how effective these were in convincing thousands to attack the US Capitol on January 6th.

If you want to see more of the devil in action, just check out the Conservative Political Action Conference this weekend. He’s in fine form.

RIP GOP

This past weekend, the Republican Party slipped the surly bonds of Earth. The passing went unnoticed by many Americans, since the party has made little to no significant difference to anyone for at least the last decade.

For much of the twentieth century, the Republicans suffered from scandals and missteps, starting with the Teapot Dome Scandal during the Warren G. Harding Administration, followed by the collapse of the U.S. Economy under Herbert Hoover. Perhaps the most difficult period was 1969-1974, when Richard Nixon was elected and re-elected, before resigning to avoid impeachment.

The Republican Party has suffered from several ailments in recent years. Although not diagnosed as dementia or Alzheimer’s, it has had a difficult time separating truth from fiction. This has resulted in violent reactions to normal activities, such as elections. It was confirmed on Saturday that a major contributing factor to the demise was due to lack of a spine.

There will be no memorial or graveside service since most members are in deep denial and those not affiliated are glad to see the party go. The estate is expected to be left to Donald Trump and family.

Entertain Me!

When you’ve lived as long as I have . . . .

Okay, I’m not really living. I actually died over 2,000 years ago, nevertheless, I remain sentient.

If you’ve watched the world as long as I have, you see all kinds of things: The good; The bad; and the “You’ve gotta be fuckin’ kidding me!?!”

'Trumponomics' Tries To Praise Trump, Instead Exposes Him

By this point I’m jaded, but your immediate past president was a hoot to watch. On rare occasions, he slipped up and told the truth (How embarrassing). He proudly and publicly issued pardons or commutations for many of his cronies. He encouraged an attack on his own Capitol. When he left office, he still had the ability to piss people off by moving into Mar a Lago when he promised he wouldn’t.

There goes the neighborhood!

However, my all time favorite was his choice of advisors. I’m not talking about his daughter and son-in-law, the Botox kids. I’m not talking about Rudy (“I’m not senile–what was I saying?”) Giuliani. I’m talking about the pillow guy. He listens to a pillow salesman. In the annals of national leaders, that’s one-of-a-kind, especially since he claims he doesn’t really sleep at night. Classic!

On the other hand, your new president–B-O-R-I-N-G!!!

Goes to church. Tries to stick to the facts. Loves his wife. Would rather grab a rosary than some random female’s genitals. Reads his daily briefing. B-O-R-I-N-G!!!

Give me a break! I’m not asking for the world, just a little understanding. When you have no body, you can’t scratch or let out a decent belch. I haven’t had a drink in over two millennia. The only thing I’ve got to pass the time is watching you people. Please, Make America Crazy Again!

Bring Back the Whigs!!

Thomas Jefferson founded the Democratic-Republican Party, which opposed the views of the Federalist Party (John Adams party.) The Federalist party only lasted until after the election of 1800. Formal party names did not yet exist, but those who supported the Democratic-Republican Party often referred to themselves as “republicans.”

Naturally, there was infighting in the Democratic-Republican Party, which eventually split into the Democratic and National Republican parties. The proponents of the National Republican party eventually became the Whig* party, one of the two predominant parties from 1830 – 1850. The Whigs attracted entrepreneurs, professionals, planters, social reformers, devout Protestants, and the emerging urban middle class.

William Henry Harrison, a Whig, was elected president, but died one month after the inauguration and was succeeded by John Tyler (who was later kicked out of the Whig Party). Zachary Taylor was another successful Whig. He died two years after becoming president, ushering Millard Fillmore into the presidency. Therefore, the Whigs won two elections, but due to the death of the victors, they can claim four presidents. This, it can be argued, was very efficient.

Why should we bring the Whigs back?

The Whig priorities were primarily to oppose the ideas of Andrew Jackson, who, today, is no longer active in politics. Their other policies and beliefs stopped being relevant nearly two centuries ago. Besides, few politician keep their promises or support their party platform once elected.

We don’t want add the Whigs as an additional party. Ross Perot taught us that third parties don’t work. However, since the current Republican Party is in such disarray, perhaps it might help if they reverted to being Whigs.

Stranger things have happened.

* I was curious as to what the word “Whig” means. I found three explanations. Two are verbs, and since Whig is a noun (or an adjective modifying a noun), here is the definition of Whig as a noun: Acidulated whey, sometimes mixed with buttermilk and sweet herbs, used as a cooling beverage.

Don’t confuse this with a Rock and Roll band from Athens, GA, also known as the Whigs.

Donny’s Farewell

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“Okay, everybody, listen up. We’ve got a lot to do and it all has to be done before noon on January 20th, so pay attention. First things first. Everybody needs to pick up a trump election recount pledge card and fill in the amount you will be donating. You can make the actual donation anytime before the 20th since it needs to be in cash, non-sequential bills, in a plain brown wrapper.”

“Excuse me,” one of the participants interjected, “All of the counts are done, certified, and accepted, so why a recount fund?”

“Mitch, you of all people should know that it was never going to be used for a recount. This is for future operations.”

“But what about the Republican Party?”

“Mitch, if you want to have a party, have at it. Just make sure that you donate until it hurts.

“Now, without further distractions, let’s continue. There will be four lines. The first, to my left and to your right is for pardons. Each requested pardon needs to be accompanied by a separate pledge card. Pardons can be extended for actual crimes in which a person has been adjudged guilty, for actions that may or may not be a crime, and for general “Get out of Jail Free” pardons.

“The next line is for commutations. If a criminal act is pardoned, you will no be longer protected by the Fifth Amendment against self incrimination and the individual is viewed as actually being a criminal–a pardoned criminal, but a criminal nevertheless. On the other hand, a commutation retains your fifth amendment rights, although you won’t be able to vote or own a firearm. Choose wisely.

“The third line is for last minute federal appointments. If you’re appointed an ambassador for 15 minutes, you’re still a bonafide ambassador. Want to be a lobbyist for the communications industry? Get appointed to the Federal Communications Commission for the remainder of the President’s term. Same goes for environmental protection, justice department, Food and Drug administration–you name it.

“The last line is for those of you seeking a Presidential Medal of Freedom. Yes, that’s right, you too can be honored by this prestigious medal and join such notable winners as Rush Limbaugh, Andy Griffith, Arnold Palmer, and, of course, Bill Cosby.

“There are Concierge desks set up in each of the corners of the hall. Ivanka is manning one, Jared Kirchner, another, as well as Don, Jr. and Eric. If you have a special request, please complete your pledge card first, then meet with one of the concierges. If you are seeking more than one consideration, merely have a separate pledge card for each request. According to the president’s accountants, all these contributions are tax deductible!

“You’ll never have an opportunity quite like this, so act now.”

Russia Who?

Trump's Press Conference With Putin Will Go Down in ...
“I love you, man! “

At the end of his monumental (read “disastrous”) presidency, trump once again deflects criticism of Russia.

When first elected and it was obvious that there had been foreign influence, with all signs pointing to Russia, trump said, “Maybe it was China. Who knows?”

After that, he kowtowed to Putin (and every other despotic dictator) at every opportunity.

There has been a massive cyberattack against the American government and American industry that has been ongoing for months. Once again, the intelligence experts suspect Russia. Once again, trump disagrees and blames China.

I don’t know about you, but it would scare the hell out of me to have an ex-ruler with access to any and all of the nation’s secrets–including weapons, who also had multi-million dollar loans coming due, a cash flow problem, and no ethics.

“Vlad, here’s the deal. You finance a trump tower in Moscow, slip me a little gift under the table and I’ll tell you all about [fill in the TOP SECRET subject here].” Of course, that’s assuming that the stable genius hasn’t already spilled the beans so that Putin would say nice things about him.

Be afraid. Be very, very afraid.

I’m not worried–I died millenia ago. On the other hand, you should worry.

Identity Crisis

If I, Diogenese, the founder of the philosophical discipline of Cynicism become befuddled, that means that the situation I see is really and truly fucked up. Sorry about that, but no matter how crazy living people can be, no one before has ever tried to out-crazy me.

All I can do is try to find some humor in it…. /..-/–/—/.-.

Great Leaders in History: Napoleon Bonaparte - YouTube

A man with serious delusions was under treatment in a psychiatric hospital. The new psychiatric resident sat down with him in his semi-private room and tried to engage him in a conversation.

“Hello, I’m Dr. Johnson and I’ll be helping to care for you. And what is your name?” The patient sat up in bed, tucked his right hand into his shirt and announced with an impressive French accent.

“I, sir, am Napoleon Bonaparte, the greatest general in the history of the world!” The resident maintained his cool and replied.

“General, or should I say, Emperor Bonaparte, it is truly a pleasure to meet you. The entire world knows of your skills and your deeds. I would shake your hand, but I don’t know if that would be appropriate.”

“It would,” the patient replied, extending his hand, “given that you have been ushered into my private chambers. France’s values of liberté, égalité, fraternité are well known.”

“Yes, sir, they are,” the resident replied, “and wonderful values they are that have defined France so well.” The patient smiled and nodded his assent.

“With my apologies, sir, I must ask you an unusual question. Who told you that you were Napoleon Bonaparte?”

“God did!” the patient replied forcefully.

Donald Trump, the patient in the other bed sat bolt upright, crossed his arms across his chest and replied loudly, “I MOST CERTAINLY DID NOT!”

Liar! Liar!

It’s bad enough that there are people who tell lies. Some tell outrageous lies. A few repeatedly tell lies that everyone knows are lies. Even fewer tell outrageous lies, people know that they’re lies, but agree with the lie as if it were true.

Godwin’s law (or Godwin’s rule of Hitler analogies) asserts that “as an online discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazis or Hitler approaches 1.”

With apologies to Mike Godwin, we have reached that point. Adolph Hitler, in his book Mein Kampf posited that a big lie was best because people would assume that no one “could have the impudence to distort the truth so infamously.”

I could point out parallel after parallel between the two men, but you’ve probably figured that out already. All I can say is that if you see a lie, don’t believe it, don’t repeat it, and don’t make it acceptable.

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