Talking Bird

One of the houses near the sewer in which I live has some type of talking bird. I don’t know if it’s a mynah, a crow, or some breed of parrot. In any case, it’s driving me crazy. Over and over it says the same thing:

“Rounding the turn!”

“Rounding the turn!”

“Rounding the turn!”

That’s one reason why I like dogs best — they don’t talk.

Dead? Naah!

Those 165,947 Americans who died from COVID-19? Don’t worry about it. It’s all a Democratic hoax and fake news. If someone near and dear to you claims to be among those dead people, tell them to cut it out. It’s all fake.

Who are you going to believe–a doctor at the hospital or a president on the golf course?

Republican National Cofefe

The chairman du jour (CDJ) of the Republican National Party, who responded anonymously to my questions, shared the following.

First, the 2020 Republican National Convention will exclude the media. CDJ disclosed that this is the result of the media being on double-secret-probation since midway through Richard Nixon’s first term as president.

Second, attendance will be by invitation only. So far, the invitees who will attend include Mitch McConnell (a tentative acceptance), Lindsey “Cracker” Graham, and Ohio Representative Jim Jordan. Jordan reacted explosively with ten minutes of pejoratives and curses when he received his invitation. When he finally stopped to take a breath, one of his staff member explained, “Jim, you wanted to be invited.”

“I did?” responded Jordan. “I’m still not going to wear a suit coat or button my shirt collar.”

Donald trump has his front line physicians lined up to attend, bringing various demons and aliens to explain the benefits of tossing back a shot glass of hydroxychloroquine followed by a Clorox chaser.

As the convention moved from North Carolina, to Florida, (and briefly to Mar a Leggo), highly placed sources compared the convention to a floating crap game or a 1920’s speakeasy. “If you ain’t already endorsed the trumpster, ya ain’t gonna find it.”

Over the last 2 1/2 millennia, I haven’t enjoyed politics this much since Caligula became emperor.

Just Political Satire

Mr. and Mrs. REDACTED
REDACTED St.
REDACTED, REDACTED REDACTED-REDACTED

The President of the United States regrets to inform you that your daughter was killed in action yesterday in Afghanistan.

However, he is pleased to tell you that his very best friend, advisor, and confidant, Vladimer Putin has assured him that Russia did not pay a bounty for her death.

Yours etc., etc., etc.,

You Goya Ivanka!

Ivanka Trump backs Goya on Twitter after liberals call for ...

Ivanka Trump recently told unemployed Americans to “find something new.” This simplistic response to a complex problem was met with astonishment and compared to Marie Antoinette’s alleged advice to “Let them eat cake.” The biggest difference is that Antoinette probably did NOT make the cake comment. Ivanka, on the other hand, actually did tell Americans to “find something new.”

Anxious to top her previous comment, Ivanka–the Special Assistant to the President for Boneheaded Advice–raised the ante. Goya’s president had angered many of its customers by calling Donald Trump “a blessing,” so Ivanka started promoting Goya. Does anyone believe that Ivanka has ever–as in not even once in her life–opened a can of Goya beans?

Since all Trumps are shielded from laws, regulations, and anything else they find inconvenient, Ivanka’s Goya promotion is a clear federal ethics violation is immaterial. After all, White House plastic surgery poster girl Kellyann Conway, violated the same ethics rules when she shilled Ivanka’s clothing brand. When the administration was confronted with Kellyann’s behavior, the only response was silence, interrupted only by the sound of crickets chirping.

The president is rumored to have told his staff that it’s no big deal and both issues could easily be corrected with the stroke of a SHARPIE.

P.S. Given Donald Trumps bromance with Russian leader-for-life Vladimir Putin, does anyone else find it unsettling that “Ivanka” is the feminine version of “Ivan,” one of, if not the most, popular first name in Russia?

Winning Is Based on Perspective

With the Coronavirus exceeding expectations–and fears–the view from Washington, DC is different from what most people see. Trump keeps telling everyone that things are great and that the only reason that the number of cases is so high is because of testing and testing should slow down. I propose a different approach.

If nature hands you a lemon–make margaritas. Increase testing. Capture every case. Roll up the numbers.

Washington could use the 3,524,895 cases and 138, 936 deaths to claim that “We’re Number One!”

Number One? We’re winning!

Open the schools and we just might declare a trifecta!

Politik Talk

September 23, 1952: Richard Nixon Makes the ‘Checkers ...
Richard Nixon’s Nationally Televised Checkers Speech

I love how politicians (don’t) answer questions. Instead of answering the question they are asked, they answer a different question–not the one asked, but one that lets them say what they want to say.

I call it “Nixoning.” In 1952, while running for Vice President with Dwight D. Eisenhower, Nixon was asked about a $16,000 fund that was irregular, if not illegal. Nixon went on national television to contest the challenge. He stated that there was one gift he’d never return–a black and white dog named Checkers.

No one asked about Checkers. Nixon answered the question he wanted to answer–and who would want his children to lose their dog? (Maybe he should have claimed that the dog ate the $16,000.)

Today, reporters ask politicians about serious issues and get amazing answers. In the spirit of “In for a penny, in for a pound” I suggest that politicians take it just one teeny-tiny step further. For them it should be quite easy.

Reporter: How should the US respond to the objections to, and often destruction of, monuments of slaveholders?
Politician: I think it’s sad, in fact tragic, that today’s youth are not growing up respecting the heroes we idolized when we were little. For example, almost no grade, middle, or high school student today has any appreciation for Mighty Mouse. It’s sad. It’s an outrage.

Reporter: With more than 132,000 deaths in the US, is the response to the coronavirus pandemic being properly managed?
Politician: I’d like to answer that in two ways, first with my normal voice and then with an irritating high-pitched squeaky voice.* Let me just say that it is impossible to manage any disease. We pass laws, yet those nasty little germs do whatever they want. Why? Because they’re so tiny it’s difficult to catch them, much less get them in front of a judge!

As the old joke asketh: “How can you tell when a politician is lying?”

And answereth with: “Their lips are moving.”

* With apologies to Graham Chapman and all the members of Monty Python.

Da Boss in DC Sez

The Boss crooked his finger as he looked over his shoulder. It always surprised everyone as to how small such a powerful man’s hands were.

“C’mere,” he began, his voice somewhat hoarse. “Bill, I’m not real happy with some of the results on your–shall we say–assignments? You don’t have much of a reputation left and may be needing a pardon or two. It would be a shame if you didn’t get that and had to do some time, wouldn’t it?”

Bill just stood there silently, looking down, intently staring at the toes of his wingtip shoes. He took in a deep breath but said nothing.

“I want,” the Boss continued, “you know what I mean? I want Roger to go home to his wife AND his mistresses with no problems. You understand?” Bill nodded, almost imperceptibly.

“I don’t want General John to have any problems. I want to make sure that his security clearance information shows him as pure as a new born babe. Got it?”

Bill continued to stare at his shoes. He noticed that although his valet had polished everything to a superb gloss, there was a little bit of shoe polish in at least one of the holes of the wingtips. He vowed to fire the valet.

“Incidentally, I find Bolton to be irritating. He distracts me from my cable news viewing. Take care of him, and while you’re at it, that Marine–what’s his name? He doesn’t talk nice enough about me. What did Himmler say? ‘You want somebody convicted? Tell me who and I’ll find something they did.’ He musta done somethin’, you know?

“Vlad’s sending a couple of guys over to compare notes with you. You might learn a thing or two and, who knows,” as the Boss’s eyes turned upward, “they might learn some useless thing from you. Probably not, but maybe.”

“You know, sire,” Bill began, but the Boss didn’t let him continue.

“Hey!” the Boss said forcefully. “This ain’t about you. It’s about me! It’s always about me! Got it?”

Bill knelt and bowed his head and mumbled his acquiescence.

Diogenes’s Sewer

Please help me out here. Your current president values statues over lives? He’s trying to make damage to a statue in the capital region a crime–retroactively?. I thought your system did not allow something to be declared illegal after the fact. Oh, well, I never claimed to be an expert on your laws–or anybody’s laws, for that matter.

After all, if you kill off a dozen or a hundred people or even a thousand people, it’s easy to make replacements. On the other hand, it costs a lot to recreate, repair, or repair a single statue.

I really shouldn’t be surprised. Your president would rather have people die quietly so that they do not make him look bad by adding to the coronavirus statistics. In fact, if–as he wishes–testing is significantly limited, it should be almost impossible to claim that any deaths are due to the coronavirus.

As you know, I live in a sewer. Some call it a large pot, but large pots are used for–you know. Such large pots are not used to cook spaghetti. Get the picture?

So, whenever this is all over and your current president is no longer in a position of authority, please–PLEASE–do not suggest to him that he would be welcome to join me. My sewer is mine, and only I will determine which humans can stay here.

The rats and the other vermin with whom I share my sewer make their own rules and I am not responsible for whom they invite.

Trump’s New Normal

Today, President Donald “Stable Genius” Trump announced that he would designate ANTIFA, an organization whose stated purpose to oppose fascism, as a terrorist organization. This comes on the heels of his executive order on May 28th, aimed at controlling Twitter.

Given the problems of the coronavirus, massive unemployment, an economy in trouble, and riots in the streets, many might have missed his other recent moves:

  • Broccoli has been declared a controlled substance, making it illegal to serve broccoli in restaurants. Preparation of broccoli at home is now a crime in the the same category as running a home meth lab.
  • In order to support business impacted by the pandemic and ensure key industries will quickly return to profitability, every American is now required to buy and consume at least one fast-food cheeseburger, fries, and cola each week.
  • All books authored by George Orwell will be removed from libraries and bookstores because, “they give people bad ideas. Terrible. Terrible ideas. Really bad!”
  • Newspapers and other media are now limited to printing or distributing information on the following: sports news, comics, positive stock market reports, flattering pictures of President Trump, and cute cat pictures. The latter is a major concession since both the President and the First Lady hate cats.
  • An executive order is being prepared that will ensure that Donald J. Trump will retain full and exclusive authority to issue executive orders after he leaves office. Said authority will become a hereditary birthright for the Trump (Inc.) family.
  • All future church services will become mandatory in order to ensure that golf courses do not become overly crowded on Sunday mornings.
  • Both civil rights and common sense are hereby suspended.
  • President Trump is declaring Marshall Law, or at least will, once somebody arranges a photo op to present him a spiffy new badge that says “Marshall”