Trump’s New Normal

Today, President Donald “Stable Genius” Trump announced that he would designate ANTIFA, an organization whose stated purpose to oppose fascism, as a terrorist organization. This comes on the heels of his executive order on May 28th, aimed at controlling Twitter.

Given the problems of the coronavirus, massive unemployment, an economy in trouble, and riots in the streets, many might have missed his other recent moves:

  • Broccoli has been declared a controlled substance, making it illegal to serve broccoli in restaurants. Preparation of broccoli at home is now a crime in the the same category as running a home meth lab.
  • In order to support business impacted by the pandemic and ensure key industries will quickly return to profitability, every American is now required to buy and consume at least one fast-food cheeseburger, fries, and cola each week.
  • All books authored by George Orwell will be removed from libraries and bookstores because, “they give people bad ideas. Terrible. Terrible ideas. Really bad!”
  • Newspapers and other media are now limited to printing or distributing information on the following: sports news, comics, positive stock market reports, flattering pictures of President Trump, and cute cat pictures. The latter is a major concession since both the President and the First Lady hate cats.
  • An executive order is being prepared that will ensure that Donald J. Trump will retain full and exclusive authority to issue executive orders after he leaves office. Said authority will become a hereditary birthright for the Trump (Inc.) family.
  • All future church services will become mandatory in order to ensure that golf courses do not become overly crowded on Sunday mornings.
  • Both civil rights and common sense are hereby suspended.
  • President Trump is declaring Marshall Law, or at least will, once somebody arranges a photo op to present him a spiffy new badge that says “Marshall”

Hail Zuckerberg!

In an interview today in his 6,000 square foot penthouse suite atop a Trump Hotel, Mark Zuckerburg explained himself.

“Facebook will not be the arbiter of truth!” he proclaimed. “Whether it is people denying the holocaust, people proclaiming the earth to be flat, or a president proclaiming ridiculous conspiracy theories, we will not interfere! After all, on the eighth day, God saw click bait and proclaimed that it was good.

“Why do I not intervene? I am not intellectually capable of separating truth from wild-ass-crazy fiction.

“None of my employees are willing to do anything that overshadows me or inhibits my role as a money-grubbing ass-kissing sycophant! Besides, if my internet sites make a profit, why should I care if they result in death or destruction?

“When I die I will be fantastically rich, even if I have been and will forever be morally bankrupt!”

We hesitated to, but finally asked him, “You do know that you can’t take fame and fortune with you when you die?”

“Ha!” he replied. “I’m spending millions to ensure that I never die! Even if I do, my minions will figure out a way for me to take everything with me!”

One of the press corps started to ask him why he believes he’s immortal, but thought better of it. Instead, we all left and went for coffee.

Abe, He Hardly Knew Ye

Trump Says US Press Treats Him Worse than Lincoln | Voice ...

Comments before and during the Fox interview that never happened.

Fox News: Mr. President, do you prefer that we toss softball questions, wiffleball questions, or marshmallow questions at you?

Trump: The press always asks me nasty questions, mean questions. I don’t want any nasty questions.

Fox News: So marshmallow questions it is. You’ve said that the press treats you worse than they treated President Abraham Lincoln, would you care to expound on that.

Trump: Expound? I haven’t gained a single pound. It’s the bulletproof vest, trousers, and suit coat. I golf to keep myself in shape.

Fox News: Yes, Mr. President. We’re sitting in the Lincoln Memorial. That must have some special meaning to you.

Trump: Lincoln? The press treats me much worse than they treated Lincoln. Lincoln was president before Obama, wasn’t he? Ten-fifteen years before Obama? Obama screwed everything up. Lincoln might have put him up to it, you know.

Fox News: Yes, sir. I’m young so his presidency was before my time as a hard charging Fox News reporter. So, tell me, Mr. President, what do you think of Lincoln?

Trump: I hear he was good. People say he is a Republican. I don’t remember him–I may have met him once or twice–but I don’t recall. If he is a Republican, that’s–well, good. Good. Very good. I like loyal Republicans. Maybe I should have Jared contact him.

Fox News: Mr. President, Abraham Lincoln is dead.

Trump: He’s dead? Sad. Very sad.

Maybe we should build a monument to him. Something with a huge wall. I’ll have Ivanka look into that.

Fox News Really Doesn't Want To Talk About The Good Jobs ...

Flynn Case Dropped! No One Surprised!

See the source image

An imaginary conversation

Reporter: “Why was the case against Michael Flynn dropped?”

Dept of Justice (DOJ) Spokesperson: “Obviously, because he’s innocent.”

Reporter: “But, he pled guilty!”

DOJ: “Yeah, he did that.”

Reporter: “So he admitted that he had done the illegal acts they accused him of.”

DOJ: “Obviously, he didn’t know any better.”

Reporter: “Didn’t know any better? He was a frickin’ three-star general! Of course he knew better!”

DOJ: “We all make mistakes.”

Reporter: “He was caught and he admitted–on the record–to being guilty!”

DOJ: “But he got better.”

Reporter: “No one “gets better” from being guilty!”

DOJ: “Flynn did, which proves you’re wrong.”

Reporter: “President Donald J. Trump fired him because he was guilty!”

DOJ: “But as I told you, he got better. Even the President noticed and refers to him as an innocent man who was attacked by human scum.”

Reporter–Stands up and walks out

DOJ: “Where are you going?”

Reporter: “To visit a friend-of-a-friend who works in the visa section of the New Zealand embassy.”

 

It’s Not So Bad

As I watch the tug-of-war between your economy and your health, I thought I could offer some helpful advise. Many of you are worrying that the attempts to return to normal when things aren’t normal might not work out so well. Not to worry.

Having been an observer for several millennia, I can tell you how the story will unfold. Money always wins. People are born and people die, but money keeps on going.

In your case, what will be interesting will be after the resurgence, how will the demographics shift. Will it be the No Mask crowd? Will it be those who live in population centers where they have quality medical facilities? Will it be those in rural areas–more spread out, but less medical capability and capacity? Who lives? Who dies? Who knows!

I promised helpful advice, so here goes. Death isn’t so bad once you get used to it. It’s the getting used to it part that takes time. In my case, it took roughly 2400 years, but today I’m better than before.

It’ll Never Happen

Here’s a scenario that will never happen.

President Trump calls Sean Hannity at home and they chat for a while.

Later that day Fox reports, “President Trump advises everyone to apply peanut butter to the bottom of your feet to prevent COVID-19.”

At President Trump’s daily coronavirus pep rally press briefing—

Reporter:¬† “Mr. President, do you support the peanut butter cure?”

President Trump: “All I can say is that it has received a lot of attention from the media. You can’t ignore that. Next question, please.”

Hours later, President Trump and Sean Hannity again talk on the phone with one another.

Hannity (trying to control himself)- “So how many people do you think are going to bed tonight with peanut butter on their feet?”

Trump (laughing) – “Just about every undereducated male goomba out there. You know which states have the most undereducated goombas, don’t you?”

Hannity — “Of course! That’s where I get my highest ratings!”

Trump — “Speaking of education, I forget. What college did you graduate from?”

Hannity¬† (laughing) – “Graduate? Hell! I was–and am still–too important to worry about graduating. Nevertheless, people still follow me like sheep to the slaughterhouse behind a Judas goat!”

Trump — “I’m going to have to go. My slippers are–never mind. Hey, Sean, just in case, in 2021 . . . ?”

Hannity — “Umm, let me get back to you on that. Gotta run, bye.”

[CLICK]