Donny’s Farewell

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“Okay, everybody, listen up. We’ve got a lot to do and it all has to be done before noon on January 20th, so pay attention. First things first. Everybody needs to pick up a trump election recount pledge card and fill in the amount you will be donating. You can make the actual donation anytime before the 20th since it needs to be in cash, non-sequential bills, in a plain brown wrapper.”

“Excuse me,” one of the participants interjected, “All of the counts are done, certified, and accepted, so why a recount fund?”

“Mitch, you of all people should know that it was never going to be used for a recount. This is for future operations.”

“But what about the Republican Party?”

“Mitch, if you want to have a party, have at it. Just make sure that you donate until it hurts.

“Now, without further distractions, let’s continue. There will be four lines. The first, to my left and to your right is for pardons. Each requested pardon needs to be accompanied by a separate pledge card. Pardons can be extended for actual crimes in which a person has been adjudged guilty, for actions that may or may not be a crime, and for general “Get out of Jail Free” pardons.

“The next line is for commutations. If a criminal act is pardoned, you will no be longer protected by the Fifth Amendment against self incrimination and the individual is viewed as actually being a criminal–a pardoned criminal, but a criminal nevertheless. On the other hand, a commutation retains your fifth amendment rights, although you won’t be able to vote or own a firearm. Choose wisely.

“The third line is for last minute federal appointments. If you’re appointed an ambassador for 15 minutes, you’re still a bonafide ambassador. Want to be a lobbyist for the communications industry? Get appointed to the Federal Communications Commission for the remainder of the President’s term. Same goes for environmental protection, justice department, Food and Drug administration–you name it.

“The last line is for those of you seeking a Presidential Medal of Freedom. Yes, that’s right, you too can be honored by this prestigious medal and join such notable winners as Rush Limbaugh, Andy Griffith, Arnold Palmer, and, of course, Bill Cosby.

“There are Concierge desks set up in each of the corners of the hall. Ivanka is manning one, Jared Kirchner, another, as well as Don, Jr. and Eric. If you have a special request, please complete your pledge card first, then meet with one of the concierges. If you are seeking more than one consideration, merely have a separate pledge card for each request. According to the president’s accountants, all these contributions are tax deductible!

“You’ll never have an opportunity quite like this, so act now.”

Identity Crisis

If I, Diogenese, the founder of the philosophical discipline of Cynicism become befuddled, that means that the situation I see is really and truly fucked up. Sorry about that, but no matter how crazy living people can be, no one before has ever tried to out-crazy me.

All I can do is try to find some humor in it…. /..-/–/—/.-.

Great Leaders in History: Napoleon Bonaparte - YouTube

A man with serious delusions was under treatment in a psychiatric hospital. The new psychiatric resident sat down with him in his semi-private room and tried to engage him in a conversation.

“Hello, I’m Dr. Johnson and I’ll be helping to care for you. And what is your name?” The patient sat up in bed, tucked his right hand into his shirt and announced with an impressive French accent.

“I, sir, am Napoleon Bonaparte, the greatest general in the history of the world!” The resident maintained his cool and replied.

“General, or should I say, Emperor Bonaparte, it is truly a pleasure to meet you. The entire world knows of your skills and your deeds. I would shake your hand, but I don’t know if that would be appropriate.”

“It would,” the patient replied, extending his hand, “given that you have been ushered into my private chambers. France’s values of liberté, égalité, fraternité are well known.”

“Yes, sir, they are,” the resident replied, “and wonderful values they are that have defined France so well.” The patient smiled and nodded his assent.

“With my apologies, sir, I must ask you an unusual question. Who told you that you were Napoleon Bonaparte?”

“God did!” the patient replied forcefully.

Donald Trump, the patient in the other bed sat bolt upright, crossed his arms across his chest and replied loudly, “I MOST CERTAINLY DID NOT!”

Talking Bird

One of the houses near the sewer in which I live has some type of talking bird. I don’t know if it’s a mynah, a crow, or some breed of parrot. In any case, it’s driving me crazy. Over and over it says the same thing:

“Rounding the turn!”

“Rounding the turn!”

“Rounding the turn!”

That’s one reason why I like dogs best — they don’t talk.

Dead? Naah!

Those 165,947 Americans who died from COVID-19? Don’t worry about it. It’s all a Democratic hoax and fake news. If someone near and dear to you claims to be among those dead people, tell them to cut it out. It’s all fake.

Who are you going to believe–a doctor at the hospital or a president on the golf course?

Republican National Cofefe

The chairman du jour (CDJ) of the Republican National Party, who responded anonymously to my questions, shared the following.

First, the 2020 Republican National Convention will exclude the media. CDJ disclosed that this is the result of the media being on double-secret-probation since midway through Richard Nixon’s first term as president.

Second, attendance will be by invitation only. So far, the invitees who will attend include Mitch McConnell (a tentative acceptance), Lindsey “Cracker” Graham, and Ohio Representative Jim Jordan. Jordan reacted explosively with ten minutes of pejoratives and curses when he received his invitation. When he finally stopped to take a breath, one of his staff member explained, “Jim, you wanted to be invited.”

“I did?” responded Jordan. “I’m still not going to wear a suit coat or button my shirt collar.”

Donald trump has his front line physicians lined up to attend, bringing various demons and aliens to explain the benefits of tossing back a shot glass of hydroxychloroquine followed by a Clorox chaser.

As the convention moved from North Carolina, to Florida, (and briefly to Mar a Leggo), highly placed sources compared the convention to a floating crap game or a 1920’s speakeasy. “If you ain’t already endorsed the trumpster, ya ain’t gonna find it.”

Over the last 2 1/2 millennia, I haven’t enjoyed politics this much since Caligula became emperor.

Just Political Satire

Mr. and Mrs. REDACTED
REDACTED St.
REDACTED, REDACTED REDACTED-REDACTED

The President of the United States regrets to inform you that your daughter was killed in action yesterday in Afghanistan.

However, he is pleased to tell you that his very best friend, advisor, and confidant, Vladimer Putin has assured him that Russia did not pay a bounty for her death.

Yours etc., etc., etc.,

You Goya Ivanka!

Ivanka Trump backs Goya on Twitter after liberals call for ...

Ivanka Trump recently told unemployed Americans to “find something new.” This simplistic response to a complex problem was met with astonishment and compared to Marie Antoinette’s alleged advice to “Let them eat cake.” The biggest difference is that Antoinette probably did NOT make the cake comment. Ivanka, on the other hand, actually did tell Americans to “find something new.”

Anxious to top her previous comment, Ivanka–the Special Assistant to the President for Boneheaded Advice–raised the ante. Goya’s president had angered many of its customers by calling Donald Trump “a blessing,” so Ivanka started promoting Goya. Does anyone believe that Ivanka has ever–as in not even once in her life–opened a can of Goya beans?

Since all Trumps are shielded from laws, regulations, and anything else they find inconvenient, Ivanka’s Goya promotion is a clear federal ethics violation is immaterial. After all, White House plastic surgery poster girl Kellyann Conway, violated the same ethics rules when she shilled Ivanka’s clothing brand. When the administration was confronted with Kellyann’s behavior, the only response was silence, interrupted only by the sound of crickets chirping.

The president is rumored to have told his staff that it’s no big deal and both issues could easily be corrected with the stroke of a SHARPIE.

P.S. Given Donald Trumps bromance with Russian leader-for-life Vladimir Putin, does anyone else find it unsettling that “Ivanka” is the feminine version of “Ivan,” one of, if not the most, popular first name in Russia?

Winning Is Based on Perspective

With the Coronavirus exceeding expectations–and fears–the view from Washington, DC is different from what most people see. Trump keeps telling everyone that things are great and that the only reason that the number of cases is so high is because of testing and testing should slow down. I propose a different approach.

If nature hands you a lemon–make margaritas. Increase testing. Capture every case. Roll up the numbers.

Washington could use the 3,524,895 cases and 138, 936 deaths to claim that “We’re Number One!”

Number One? We’re winning!

Open the schools and we just might declare a trifecta!

Politik Talk

September 23, 1952: Richard Nixon Makes the ‘Checkers ...
Richard Nixon’s Nationally Televised Checkers Speech

I love how politicians (don’t) answer questions. Instead of answering the question they are asked, they answer a different question–not the one asked, but one that lets them say what they want to say.

I call it “Nixoning.” In 1952, while running for Vice President with Dwight D. Eisenhower, Nixon was asked about a $16,000 fund that was irregular, if not illegal. Nixon went on national television to contest the challenge. He stated that there was one gift he’d never return–a black and white dog named Checkers.

No one asked about Checkers. Nixon answered the question he wanted to answer–and who would want his children to lose their dog? (Maybe he should have claimed that the dog ate the $16,000.)

Today, reporters ask politicians about serious issues and get amazing answers. In the spirit of “In for a penny, in for a pound” I suggest that politicians take it just one teeny-tiny step further. For them it should be quite easy.

Reporter: How should the US respond to the objections to, and often destruction of, monuments of slaveholders?
Politician: I think it’s sad, in fact tragic, that today’s youth are not growing up respecting the heroes we idolized when we were little. For example, almost no grade, middle, or high school student today has any appreciation for Mighty Mouse. It’s sad. It’s an outrage.

Reporter: With more than 132,000 deaths in the US, is the response to the coronavirus pandemic being properly managed?
Politician: I’d like to answer that in two ways, first with my normal voice and then with an irritating high-pitched squeaky voice.* Let me just say that it is impossible to manage any disease. We pass laws, yet those nasty little germs do whatever they want. Why? Because they’re so tiny it’s difficult to catch them, much less get them in front of a judge!

As the old joke asketh: “How can you tell when a politician is lying?”

And answereth with: “Their lips are moving.”

* With apologies to Graham Chapman and all the members of Monty Python.

Da Boss in DC Sez

The Boss crooked his finger as he looked over his shoulder. It always surprised everyone as to how small such a powerful man’s hands were.

“C’mere,” he began, his voice somewhat hoarse. “Bill, I’m not real happy with some of the results on your–shall we say–assignments? You don’t have much of a reputation left and may be needing a pardon or two. It would be a shame if you didn’t get that and had to do some time, wouldn’t it?”

Bill just stood there silently, looking down, intently staring at the toes of his wingtip shoes. He took in a deep breath but said nothing.

“I want,” the Boss continued, “you know what I mean? I want Roger to go home to his wife AND his mistresses with no problems. You understand?” Bill nodded, almost imperceptibly.

“I don’t want General John to have any problems. I want to make sure that his security clearance information shows him as pure as a new born babe. Got it?”

Bill continued to stare at his shoes. He noticed that although his valet had polished everything to a superb gloss, there was a little bit of shoe polish in at least one of the holes of the wingtips. He vowed to fire the valet.

“Incidentally, I find Bolton to be irritating. He distracts me from my cable news viewing. Take care of him, and while you’re at it, that Marine–what’s his name? He doesn’t talk nice enough about me. What did Himmler say? ‘You want somebody convicted? Tell me who and I’ll find something they did.’ He musta done somethin’, you know?

“Vlad’s sending a couple of guys over to compare notes with you. You might learn a thing or two and, who knows,” as the Boss’s eyes turned upward, “they might learn some useless thing from you. Probably not, but maybe.”

“You know, sire,” Bill began, but the Boss didn’t let him continue.

“Hey!” the Boss said forcefully. “This ain’t about you. It’s about me! It’s always about me! Got it?”

Bill knelt and bowed his head and mumbled his acquiescence.